My mom died last August. Following her wishes, we had a private funeral service for her. She requested her children/grandchildren and mentioned two aunts she thought might like to attend. She was a very private person who wanted her immediate family to come together and was not concerned with what anyone else thought.
People reacted in different ways.
Her friends were sad but understood. One of them has been so sweet and reaches out to me every so often.
A friend from church sent a lovely flower bouquet and reached out. Other church friends surprised me with an armload of gifts for my first birthday without my mom (just over a couple of weeks after she died).
A few core friends (from life and from my church) have been here for me any time I need to talk about how I miss my mom and have asked how my grieving is going.
My mom's sister has taken us all under her wing and has been an angel sent from God. She bears out the definition of family in ways I would never ask from her, as she has her own children and grandchildren. I am so grateful for her.
Someone I previously thought of as my very best friend didn't even notice that my mom was dying. I saw her online a few times while I was going through and openly talking about this experience - a 41-day process where we were railroaded with the freight train of dying and death out of nowhere. It broke my heart that she didn't notice. I was also concerned that she might tell me to have my mom believe herself back into wellness and life. Given how violently her pancreatic cancer was dispatching of her body, I didn't feel like I could bear to be told that my mom could heal herself by simple faith. I know that miracles can happen, but that is not the case for most people. It seems cruel to me to make a person's death their own fault. I didn't reach out privately, she didn't notice publicly, and I felt like I'd lost a friend.
Unlike when my dad died and cards came rolling in expressing sympathy, my final parent passed and the world of people who *should* notice the most went dark. This was true across the board for at least three out of four of us siblings who received no cards, no calls, and no flowers. It is like my mom's life didn't even matter. I'm not someone who likes attention, but it is shockingly noticeable when the compassion of others - particularly family - is absent.
My mom was a pastor's wife and gave up so much of her life helping so many people across different states. She complained plenty as she got older, but she still did her very best to fulfill her Christian duties. Why didn't her life and her efforts matter?
Most of my dad's family fell silent, other than to announce her death and share her obituary online. The silence demonstrated a lack of empathy, leaving a gaping chasm that was impossible not to notice.
One aunt reached out to me with love and concern.
The rest did not.
Uncles did not reach out, though I realize that men are naturally far less likely to do so.
My grandfather never reached out, though he must have said something to another sibling bc he and another aunt (who also went silent on my end) *did* try to make it to her service. Unfortunately, life circumstances prevented that.
One cousin cared enough to tell me she loves me and is praying. She felt helpless to provide comfort. I understand that, feeling the same way myself with any other person's loss. It is so hard to know *what* to say, but she at least demonstrates love/caring.
There was another cousin who offered sympathy within a day or two of her death, then spent the rest of the phone call ragging on my mother being a terrible person. I found that both sad and inappropriate. She actually had the nerve to then demand that we ignore my mom's wishes bc the funeral was not for her - it was for the people who would attend/say goodbye. I'm still not sure to this day what to make of a person who apparently hated my mom demanding that we provide a funeral service for them to attend.
It wasn't just me who noticed and was affected by the deficit of caring. Other siblings also noticed and mentioned the striking lack of any response. It was glaring and obvious. Was it about the funeral? Was it about who my mom was as a person? Her funeral was not held until her the weekend nearest her birthday, to ensure that as many children/grandchildren could attend as possible. Her death was announced right away. I am forever grateful to the people who commented that they loved and missed her. My question is, why didn't our family do this? Where were they? Where are they to this day?
Eight-ish months later, I and my sibling were discussing our mom and mentioned again how noticeable the silence was. Still somewhat shocked, I went back and reviewed my FB posts and my private messages and texts to these people, our family. I wanted to make sure that in the moments of deepest grief, I hadn't simply missed something.
Nothing.
Not a comment on the announcements of her death or even on the posts of her obituary. Not on my page. Not on my sibling's page. Not a single comment to say, "I'm so sorry and I am here if you need me."
Silence.
In a bizarre twist, one silent aunt recently lost her husband and a week later was sat on my couch for companionship and comfort. I have long adored this uncle and I am deeply, sincerely sorry that we were not able to attend the funeral (which happened during my husband's work hours). It just threw me that she called out of the blue the next weekend from what she thought was my front yard, asking to come in.
She who couldn't be bothered to as much as comment on the loss of my mother sat on my couch a week after the death of her husband. I felt so sad for her loneliness, so brokenhearted for the pain she must feel over losing the love of her life, and so baffled as to why she would come to me for comfort she had never offered. I still feel baffled. lol I am not offended, upset, or insulted, but I certainly feel confused.
One cousin had mentioned prior to my uncle's funeral that she hoped people would show up for his wife. I said that it is hard to tell, and mentioned that only three people out of a family over a hundred strong bothered to say anything when my mom died. (This was the first time this fact has ever been vocalized outside of myself and my siblings.)
Her response was to ask if I thought might be because my mom was married in/not part of the biological family.
I pointed out that, even if that is the case, *we* siblings are all cousins/nieces: we are all blood relatives. There was no reply to that, of course.
Bear in mind that that point would not stand anyway, because the uncle who passed was also married into the family. More - the man is *my* literal blood, too. My mom's uncle married my dad's sister. I have DNA on both sides of that marriage. That fact has nothing to do with the conversation, but it does crack me up.
When my husband and I married, it was apparent that some in his family operated in the same way as those in mine: if you're not blood, you've no value - or have decreased value, at the very least. I don't operate this way. I never have. My parents never did. They always loved our husbands as if they were their own born sons. So, idk. I know the world works this way sometimes, but I personally find it a very ugly outlook.
This one-sided loyalty has caused me to keep on the perimeter of my dad's family for a number of years. My grandfather has mocked me from the time I was the tiniest of children. He has never spoken to me with sincerity. He grilled my husband about me in ugly ways as a young adult. I am the one who used to make a point to call my grandparents over the years. I've never received a call. I made a point to visit after we moved out-of-state whenever we were in town (though I briefly stopped doing that for a short period years ago after a rather scary uncle moved in with him). I resumed, of course. I do love my grandfather. Our visits are far apart, but that is because I literally do not have the funds to go anywhere. It isn't as if I am out here taking vacations and ignoring family, or something. (Which I also believe people have the right to do, don't get me wrong. I'm just not doing that.)
It doesn't bother me that he doesn't visit or put any effort into me. This is the status quo for our relationship and has never impacted me emotionally in a negative way. I think sometimes when people acknowledge uncomfortable facts, the reader can infer offense or anger where none exists. I'm not sure how to accurately imply that I am making a point without malice that there are no hurt feelings here, just shock. We are all still bewildered.
My granddad had surgery not too long ago and I was approached by three aunts (two of whom, remember, never acknowledged the death of my mother) who all urged me to call my grandfather because he was supposedly pretty desperate to apologize for not talking to me more at my daughter's graduation party two years ago.
Huh?
What?
He had mentioned this to everyone but me for two years, but couldn't manage to figure out how to reach out to me? lol
I remember the party. I remember telling the cousin I am closest to that I was nervous about him coming bc I was afraid he was going to yell at me in public. (This is a long-established habit he has.)
I told her at the time that he does not love me, and that I am okay with that, but that I just don't want him to yell at me publicly at my daughter's celebration. (He didn't, by the way. I was surrounded by friends and kept busy during the party. He looked me over with that mocking expression a few times, and when he came to say goodbye, he squinted his eyes and looked like there was something he was *not* saying, but he gave me a hug and was on his way. I was completely relieved and overall thrilled over how the day went.)
So, back on track, here we are two years later and my aunts are randomly urging me to call him so he can apologize for something that did not happen and had never bothered me. I'm curious as to why this is *my* responsibility.
One aunt pointed out privately that she didn't have my phone number. Okay, but the other two do. Beyond that, he *is* my friend on FB.
Again... one-sided loyalty. One-half of the relationship is duty-bound to the other. He has thoughts I didn't know about for two years, has literal access to me every single day on at least one social outlet, and I am somehow responsible for making sure to call the man so he can unburden himself. I found it so confusing and unnecessary, but I obliged anyway.
My point in saying any of this is that two of the aunts stressed to me the fact that "he loves you". Hmm. My only opinion to this day is that they said that bc they had learned and discussed the fact that I do not believe this man loves me. (face-palm)
Anyway, enough rabbit trail. I just have so many questions about why my family is the way it is. When we were young, we were always nearby and participating in family events. We helped set things together and helped clean things up when so many of the others never did. As an adult, my grandfather travels to visit the grandchildren he cares about. That is not me and never has been. Now that he is closer every year to Heaven, we are apparently resuming the family pressure for me to venerate him... and yet, the man has to date not said a single word about my mom dying. I just saw him a week ago when I traveled over to my hometown for a visit. Same thing - not a peep about my dead mom.
One sibling feels grieved that my mom didn't get to at least have her friends attend the funeral service so that they might see how sincerely we loved her - complicated human being, or not. (My mom was really good about complaining. She threw anybody and everyone under the bus regularly.) By asking us not to give her a public service, it was felt by at least one sibling that perhaps it would come across that any complaint or outright lie she had ever made about us would be proven true. :( I can understand that concern. Personally, I do not know these people. And, if they knew how my mom treated her own children privately, I have to think they would extend grace for the times she lied about us.
I remember a cousin losing his stepdad (whom he purported to hate) not too long after we lost our dad (our hero). I remember how my baby sibling would rale about the fact that he had "no right" to pretend to miss a man he hated. (Ironic, now that said sibling is doing the same thing.) My thought at the time was, and remains, that a person will grieve however they grieve, and that is none of my business. The stance hasn't changed, though I have separated myself from witnessing the "grief" of a sibling who worked *so* hard to make my mom feel hated and unwanted. They have the right to do this. I have the right not to be a party to it. I'm through witnessing a separate public persona from the private truth.
I digress.
My point is this: the entire situation has made me ponder my own choices. Specifically, what I want for my own remembrance.
I have said for *years* that I do not want a funeral. I hate the fact that a family has to put themselves on display publicly when they've just gone through one of life's most painful processes. There is nothing private about death, whatsoever. I so very desperately want privacy for my husband and children.
But... given the fact that people seem to equate their ability to care about you with your ability to provide them a "goodbye", do I want my husband and children to be treated so heartlessly during their time of grief? I do not. I do not want my personal discomfort at being viewed to impact their access to the love and support of others.
So, now I have to amend my wishes. I will retain the desire to be cremated. I so very sincerely hate to be looked upon. Turn me to pulverized bone dust, please.
I've long told my husband and our children that I want them to surround themselves with the people they personally find comforting. I still maintain this. Don't feel obligated to let anyone and everyone come by if you feel overwhelmed.
That said, if they do feel the need to hold a service, please do. Plop my urn on the table and do whatever brings you peace.
If you do this, include a "remember when she" segment so the ridiculous stories of my life can be told. I want you to laugh. My goodness, how I want you to laugh. I've laughed through my pain for 43 years now. Please do me the favor of laughing. <3
The truth about families is that they are complicated. I love each member of mine, but I've gotten to the age where I no longer want to protect people from experiencing personal responsibility. Stand by what you say and how you act, whether or not that has impacted someone else.
Above everything else, I hope and pray that people do so much better by my husband and children than they ever did by me. In the meantime, I am done walking down one-way streets, or at least as done as I possibly can be. May we all find peace in this life.
