I am trying to figure out what to even say. This year has been brutal. We have faced the loss of seven people. We have faced the moving away of loved ones. To top it all off, we've had some searing bad news this week. We are hurting so badly that there isn't room to breathe. I am trying so hard to hang in there, but if I am 'hanging in there' at all... well, it is by a thread.
Christmas is *my* season. This and Independence Day are my two favorite holidays. Throwing Christmas for my daughter took me through some dark and depressing winters. After depression finally went away, Christmas kept it from returning every year during the dark season. Christmas doubled in joy after my second little was born. It is a big and beautiful season. Simply put, Christmas is how I save myself.
Not this year. I am "Christmassing" my butt off, to no avail. I have bought presents for everyone. I was even excited about my purchases. I am planning dinner and a day full of joy and relaxation. I pumped out Christmas cookies like a factory this week.
When I stopped, I stopped hard and face-planted into full-blown depression. I cannot squeeze out any Christmas cheer. I cannot fake smile. I can barely function. This year, all I want for Christmas is the peace of sleeping through it.
I am trying to refocus. I am trying to see it from my children's excited eyes. I am trying to see it from my own excited eyes from the past. It isn't working. The only thing I feel right now is intense sadness. That, and hollow. I feel so freaking hollow.
So, anyway, I clearly need some prayer. 2017 feels like the year that stole everyone. I feel ravaged, when I only want to feel grateful. I have always loved Christmas, even before I *needed* Christmas. Now I feel so lost... I just don't know.
Christmas this year is different. Thanksgiving was so empty and now Christmas looks to be, too. I think I am only writing this to put it out in there in hopes that expressing it will make it go away. I want my dad back... and Pappaw, and Grandma, and my uncle, and all of them. I want reality restored and everyone happy and healthy. That isn't possible. Sometimes, I guess you just have to hurt a thing through. That's one thing I have down pat right now. That is one thing I am capable of. I can hurt.
Christmas is *my* season. This and Independence Day are my two favorite holidays. Throwing Christmas for my daughter took me through some dark and depressing winters. After depression finally went away, Christmas kept it from returning every year during the dark season. Christmas doubled in joy after my second little was born. It is a big and beautiful season. Simply put, Christmas is how I save myself.
Not this year. I am "Christmassing" my butt off, to no avail. I have bought presents for everyone. I was even excited about my purchases. I am planning dinner and a day full of joy and relaxation. I pumped out Christmas cookies like a factory this week.
When I stopped, I stopped hard and face-planted into full-blown depression. I cannot squeeze out any Christmas cheer. I cannot fake smile. I can barely function. This year, all I want for Christmas is the peace of sleeping through it.
I am trying to refocus. I am trying to see it from my children's excited eyes. I am trying to see it from my own excited eyes from the past. It isn't working. The only thing I feel right now is intense sadness. That, and hollow. I feel so freaking hollow.
So, anyway, I clearly need some prayer. 2017 feels like the year that stole everyone. I feel ravaged, when I only want to feel grateful. I have always loved Christmas, even before I *needed* Christmas. Now I feel so lost... I just don't know.
Christmas this year is different. Thanksgiving was so empty and now Christmas looks to be, too. I think I am only writing this to put it out in there in hopes that expressing it will make it go away. I want my dad back... and Pappaw, and Grandma, and my uncle, and all of them. I want reality restored and everyone happy and healthy. That isn't possible. Sometimes, I guess you just have to hurt a thing through. That's one thing I have down pat right now. That is one thing I am capable of. I can hurt.
