Catching Up

Spring is here!!! It arrived early this morning... with a temperature that was still in the 30's. lol Today warmed up but tonight goes even lower. Yes, so far spring is cold but it *is* here!

I have been mostly offline the last ten days. I intend to stay off as much as I can, really. This winter has been exceedingly hard on my little family. We need to take time to decompress as much as possible. I miss out on some parts of the social media world but, for the most part, I stay safe tucked in here with my husband and children.

What have we been up to? Glad you asked. ;) 

First of all, there is always schoolwork. Giraffe is doing a magnificent job getting through her year. She has her favorite and least favorite subjects, like any kid. Still, she blows me away with her ability to enjoy learning. It was one trait I had really hoped to pass on to her. 

My little Koala pushes to be allowed to start school a little harder every single day. I'm not sure how exactly I am supposed to keep her out of school early, with her being *so* eager to learn. There are a lot of days when 'baby school' looks like a new craft with Mommy or simply a million tiny scraps of paper on the floor around her because she has practiced cutting. The child *loves* scissors!

Straw Bale Delivery Day 2017

Secondly, spring brings straw to the Ladybug household!! :) This is our fourth year working up a bale garden. We began in 2014 with a meager four bales of straw, after seeing Karsten's book plugged on the local news at lunchtime. I did not initially realize that I essentially wasted the four bales that year on a mere eight plants. Only six even survived the entire season. What was I thinking?!?!?! Aaaaccck!!!

In 2015, we again stuck with four bales. This time, I had learned more. I added more seedlings to those bales. The result was a beautiful little garden in which I took great pride! Last year, 2016, I doubled the number of bales I had. This time, there were eight lovely bales of straw gracing my back yard. Oh, but I was beside myself with joy! The results were plentiful. We had plenty of food to spare and to share. It was a far cry from the single tomato planter I had growing every summer from 2008-2014! 

Hopefully the start of something good!

That brings us to spring 2017. I found a local farmer who would deliver straw right to my home and had him drop by 12 bales! =) Excuse the old swingset and the otherwise messy look. At the moment, the bales are set up in a U-shape in my back yard. It is like walking out into a smile made of straw. Well, that is how my heart feels about it! 

I intend to remove the swings from the set and fasten hardware cloth across the front of it, all the way to the top. My intention is to grow vining produce (either cucumber, cantaloupe, pumpkin, or watermelon) from the bales positioned in front of the swing. The wiring would allow them to vine up and over the swing, and down the back, as well. Giraffe and I are both ecstatic about this idea!

I see dishcloths, potholders, bath stuff!

Lastly, we've been back at our crocheting again. Thanks to the sale at Michael's, we've just set in a new batch of springtime color cotton skeins. I have at least two of each color pictured. Giraffe is going to try to continue to make and sell small items. :) She's been working on Easter-themed things. I've been working on bath loofas. Chances are she'll keep earning and I'll keep losing money but I don't really even care. It has been a wonderful bonding experience for us. 

The truth is, we slid into 2017 in an emotional heap. The year has continued to pile hurt into our hearts and lives. I'm frankly pretty fed up with that. It may be the heart that keeps you alive but it is the little things which keep you living. Even in the face of my dad's incredible illness (ALS) and the loss of our beautiful Pappaw, we are going to keep living one seed, one stitch, and one smile at a time.

A Balancing Act of Words

I sometimes feel as though my family and I are in an impossible position. We are caught in this perpetual balancing act of watching how we speak about my dad. It is important for us to be positive but also truthful.

For instance, Dad was better last Saturday than I had seen him in two weeks. Granted, my last two visits were spent at what we feared was his death-bed. Still... he was doing much better and I loudly proclaimed that! :) I stand by it! :) 

He is also an absolute giant of faith. His personality, character, faith in God, and overall demeanor have been uplifting to me personally during a time when I desperately needed that boost. He seems to be living, rather than dying. That had me on *such* a high!

This morning, my dad scared the daylight out of all of us. Truly. He had an issue that would seem absolutely minor to anyone who is not sick. To a person with ALS, however, it has deeper implications. My mom called in a nurse, who helped them get through it. She also adjusted their plans moving forward. All of this is wonderful and helpful. I am praising the Lord that my dad is doing very well now, compared to what he was doing this morning! :) His vitals all look good!

Now for the serious talk. He is not *better* or *well*. He is still a very sick man who is still living with Rapid Decline ALS. In fact, in spite of how well he has looked and seemed to be (especially in spirit), he is still shrinking. He is smaller every day than what he was before. Much of his body would bring to mind photos you have no doubt seen of survivors of the Holocaust. I do not say that lightly. He has never gone through that. I simply mean that he is that thin. The leftover skin around his stomach creates an illusion that his limbs betray. 

My dad had also regained an appetite which he did not have before. That is *so* encouraging and exciting! This is where we run into that pesky wording again, though. We sincerely praise the Lord that he has an appetite and people might picture a meal. That isn't his reality. The truth is that he allowed me to feed him four small 'bites' of baby food on a spoon. There was one day where he took in most of a small, very pureed smoothie, having worked the entire day to do so. The rest of the days, his 'meals' are less than your average six-month-old might eat.

Do you get the idea? 

There are blessings which feel huge to us (his family) but which are, more practically, very minuscule when compared to his overall reality. 

SO, we invite you to continue to rejoice with us when we are rejoicing! :) That said, please do not stop praying with us. Please do not think that we use the word 'better' in the same way you might. ALS/Lou Gherig's is withering at the soul-level. Our ups and downs feel massive, even when they are minute. Every bit of prayer is necessary. Every bit of positivity is necessary.

Today, we invited you to join us in prayer. God intervened, and things look better... even though they still look worse overall. That was a beautiful and blessed thing, no matter how you look at it. We sincerely *are* relieved!

If it seems that we are keeping you on a roller coaster, please forgive us. We are on that roller coaster too. 


We have set up a GoFundMe Campaign on my parents' behalf. Please consider sharing it to social media.

Garden 2017



Oh, but I am *SO* ready to plant my garden!! Winter has been excruciating this year, I kid you not. The entire thing has been mentally exhausting, from start to finish. My dad's failing health has been ever-present in our thoughts, as was the grueling task of trying to figure out what life looks like amid the constant changes of life with ALS.

We also lacked snowfall again this year. We had a bare, wet, ugly winter. I love rain but this was too much, even for me.

Thankfully, spring is just around the corner, bringing with her a host of warmer days, a lot of rain, gusting wind and the hope of new life. =)

I cannot adequately express just how eager I am to soak in the regeneration that this life-giving season offers the soul! I *need* this! I have needed this rebirth almost since the very last vine gave up its very last vegetable last fall.

I have wanted to plan for my garden since January. The truth is that I think about my garden almost as soon as Christmas wraps up! :) It really means that much to me!


Unlike previous years, I have not been able to devote time specifically to laying out which seeds I will purchase or setting a budget. I get to do those things this week, in the hope that I can purchase my bales of straw and other materials at the end of next week. 

Yes, it feels good to breathe again. It has been necessary for some time. There will still be heartache borne in the quiet places of our souls. There will still be tears and hugs. We are comforting our children as they cry every night, yet. The loss of their beloved Pappaw was no small matter. Even so, we are beginning to move forward. Today we breathe. Today we dare to dream of the next good thing. 

He's Still My Hero

This past weekend, I got to visit my parents again. This was my first visit with them since my dad came home from the hospital on Hospice care. To be honest, I have been so wrapped up in trying to preplan for 'that time', that I had not taken the time to step outside of my 'impending death' fraught life. The sudden loss of our beloved patriarch on the other side of our family compounded that. Everything felt whelmed with the waves of death. :'(

People would talk about praying in faith for healing and I heartily agreed. I also heartily disagreed. It is sometimes harder to talk about praying for healing when all signs point to the grave. We have to grieve a bit before we can wrap our minds around our own smallness in this vast universe.

My dad is very determined that we are to pray for his healing. I really wanted to be fully committed to that, too... but how?

It turns out that our visit was exactly what we needed! For one, this time around he wasn't near death in the way that he was the last two times I saw him. This man was my dad!! :) He was my dad in a bed that was in his own home! :) Now, it *is* somewhat sad to see your dad in a hospital bed in his own home. I'll give you that. Still, this man was wide awake! His eyes were truly open! His voice has gone, but he can whisper! :) 

Oh, but he is such a beautiful man! Here is the face that I have cherished since I first opened my eyes in this world! Here are the deep brown eyes which have so carefully followed my life. Here are the big hands, which still love to hold my own. Here is the beautiful hoary head we love to kiss and nuzzle. Mom had lowered the bed rail so I was able to lean over and love on him a bit. Hubs and the girls took turns, too. :) 

This was *exactly* what my heart needed! Not only was I able to see my dad alive and as well as I'd seen him in two weeks; I was able to see the sheer, raw FAITH of a spiritual giant! :) 

If you have been reading these novels that I have dared to call blogs, you will know that my worst suffering has been over the crippling state of my dad. This man, however, was not suffering! He has been soaking himself in Scripture! He listens to it and watches it many hours a day. He is wholly meditating on the Word of God. He has been prayed with by so many people, on top of already spending much of his own time in prayer.

Friends, he looks SO peaceful! He speaks (well, whispers) SO much about his trust in the Lord! He looks to heaven and prays with clear expectations! :) His appetite has come back. It is small but it is there! His body tone seems to be improving in areas! He can whisper complete sentences, where he *was* down to a slurred word here and there. I am watching his faith rebuild him from the inside out!! 

Yes, he is still almost completely trapped inside his own body. That is always painful to see. It is heartbreaking, really. For some reason, though, his enormous faith and spirit overcome the physical obstacles and you can still see *him* very clearly, in spite of his body and circumstances. He is there! <3 <3  

There are not a whole lot of things I know for a certain in this world. This one thing I know for sure, though. My dad always has been and always will be a spiritual leader. I have so much to continue learning from him. He has not given up his faith, in any measure. He has not given up his fight! 

Things looked SO bleak before. We were all slowly grieving our way to the end of this hideous battle with ALS. It isn't that way now. Now we are trusting, praying, calling upon God to fulfill His promises. Now, we are *living* again! We are committing this man to LIFE in the name of Jesus! :) :) :) 

God Almighty has the final say in things. He knows how best to use my dad's life to His glory. He alone decides the number of my dad's days. Doctors do not decide this. GOD decides this. We trust Him implicitly to know that number. In the meantime, we are rejoicing through every day that we have this beautiful man to look up to. What a marvelous thing to know that he is resting and trusting, rather than suffering. What a glorious example of the peace which passes understanding! I continue to be floored by the giant who is my dad. <3 



We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my parents' behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media. :) Thank you!

Another Goodbye

I have been trying to figure out how to put this into words. Something happened yesterday which was both expected and an utter shock, all at the same time. :'(

Let me back up just a little bit. We received a phone call just around three o'clock in the morning. You can imagine that it was with no little fear that I startled awake. My first thought these days is, "Oh no! My dad is dead!!" My heart was instantly galloping out of my chest and my arms went weak.

To my surprise, Hubs' mom was on the other end of the phone instead of mine. She apologized for calling so late and then gently broke the news to us that Pappaw had passed away in his sleep shortly before. :'( :'( :'( Grief hit immediately, knowing that I was to break this news to my husband, who lay quietly waiting to know who had called.

Pappaw H was such a beautiful man. When we say in this world that someone is a 'good person', there is an expectation of what that means. To me, this means someone who is kind, generous, community-minded, thoughtful, fun or funny, caring, selfless and a friend to all. Pappaw not only fit all of those adjectives, he embodied each and a plethora more. I have never found and would never find a negative thing to say about him.

I entered his family, a stranger. When that happens, it is sometimes hard to get people to look at you, let alone speak to you. The awkward silence can be deafening. Not so, with Pappaw. I could see instantly that he was exactly like my mother, father, and brother-in-love. He was so welcoming, so rich with personality! He was interested in getting to know me as much as I was him. We had conversations and shared laughter immediately. He ended up being the grandfather in my life who loved me shortest but, in my opinion, dearest. 

Pappaw was safe, too. This is something that may not always be on someone's radar but which is *always* on my personal radar. You never know if someone is going to be safe around your children, especially in this world. Pappaw, like all of the other men in the family, was an incredibly gentle and safe person for my little girls to be around. Oh, how they cherish him! <3 

Pappaw had this sense of humor that never quit. He could always bring a laugh, from the littlest child up through any age. His jokes were often the kind designed to be light, easy and cheesy. My daughter has learned his sense of humor so I get to see him in her on a regular basis. :) :) :) 

Pappaw was also a fascinating man, whose life was rich in experiences that covered the spectrum from painful to great. In his time driving an ambulance and serving with the local fire department (and anyone will tell you, he practically *was* the local fire department, he means so much to his town), he had seen some things which left a mark on him. He told me about this one time, with tears in his eyes. I am sure that accounts for some of the wisdom with which he was so richly blessed. <3 

I will miss this great man. I will forever regret not seeing him more often, not putting more action to the love I felt for him in my heart. He graced this earth for over ninety years. The world has been so much richer for it. I have only been lucky enough to know him for a decade and a half of that. 

It is no stretch to say that he has personally touched, changed, and enriched the lives of far too many people to count. Everyone in his town knows who he is. In fact, the state fair holds roach races every single year; a concept he helped begin! haha He is connected to so many unique and interesting things! His hometown has surrounded him with love for many decades. I sincerely hope that they continue to embrace Mammaw as she moves through life without him. 

Yesterday was rough. In spite of his age and health problems, the loss of Pappaw was a complete shock. This was the first time that I have had to tell my beautiful children that someone dear to them has gone from this earth. It wasn't easy. They are little troopers, though. The last day and a half has been mixed with joy, tears, happy remembrances and more tears. They are made of some really tough stuff, apparently. I suppose this is something that you learn about your children the hard way, isn't it? 

I do not know yet if they are ready to tell him goodbye. My littlest is full of memories but also age-appropriate inappropriate thoughts and expressions. I only say 'inappropriate' because they would be greatly out-of-place blurted out at a viewing or funeral. They are the honest thoughts of a tiny human being. I answer all of her questions fully and gently. 

Right now, she is struggling with the thought that people die. She has been vocally struggling with this ever since visiting her sick Papa in the hospital last week. The idea of life and death are hitting home with her in a somewhat confused way. She questions the absence of absolutely every person now. For instance, last night when she couldn't get her grandparents on the phone, she began to cry and asked me if they had passed away. :'( :'( :'(  I know for a fact that she would not do well when confronted with Pappaw's physical presence but not his life to greet her in return. 

My oldest is also quite deeply affected. I have left the decision up to her about whether or not she is prepared for this last goodbye. I have had to forgo funerals twice in the past (which I so achingly needed to attend) because she had full-blown panic attacks about seeing a non-related loved one in that state. :( Having to go through this with someone she has cherished so dearly from infancy, well... I'm just not sure.

So, I have some hard decisions to make. I am rather desperate to see him and to tell him goodbye myself. Not only is he a very dearly loved member of our family, I will not get this same chance to say goodbye to my father when he passes. The thought of not getting a final chance to show love and respect to this man burns deeply inside of me. :'( :'( :'( 

It is also so important to me to be there for my husband. I cannot stand the thought of him walking through this alone when I should be by his side for support. We have leaned so heavily on one another through so much already.

We will figure this out, though. We will walk through this valley of the shadow of death together. We will hold our children and whisper promises into their hearts that they will be okay even though *this* is not okay. Our world keeps draining the light from our hearts but we are still standing. There will be more light and more darkness. We will keep holding on for dear life. 

My Deep Grief, Clarified

Grief is a fickle thing, isn't it? Sometimes, it manifests in great, heaving sobs or wailing. Other times, it is a quiet ache that pervades through one's entire being. Grief comes out in physical aches and pains. It comes in bursts of anger which nobody sees coming. Grief interrupts the sweet memory of a loved one or the one moment of laughter you've had in ages. Grief is a cloud, a whisper, a burden, a shadow, a migraine, a cloak of darkness. Grief is that small wistful thought. It is the unspoken 'if only...' at the end of a sentence. 

My grief comes from a lot of places, as we walk through this painful journey. My dad is dying from ALS and yet, I can almost handle the fact that he will die.

Please do not misunderstand me, I do not want my precious dad to be removed from this earth. I wholly submit myself to whatever future the Lord brings on that front. I do not want my dad to be gone for one second of one day. It is just that there are worse things than death. Oh, but there are things which are much worse than death. 

This is ALS in a nutshell. 

I am grieving the upcoming loss of my beloved father. I am grieving over the pain that my mother is in. I am grieving privately over each sister, knowing full well that she is hurting. I am grieving for my babies and for my nephews and nieces, who have never been hit so hard or so closely with the loss of someone they love. 

I am grieving for our husbands, who are losing a father-in-love who has adored each one like his very own son. I am grieving that they must feel somewhat helpless to comfort us and can only really walk with us through this. I am grieving for all of these things and grieving for myself, as well.

I can handle all of this grief. I can handle every single bit of it. It is survivable because everyone who is hurting may close hearts with everyone else. We are a tightly-night family who will become that much more tightly knit through this experience.

My personal deepest level of grief is for what my dad is going through. Where I can find consolation for every other kind of pain, I have found this grief inconsolable. There is literally nothing that will assuage my Dad's condition but deliverance. It will take the form of a miracle or death. I can handle me hurting. I can handle my family hurting. I can just barely handle my mother hurting. I cannot, *cannot* handle my dad hurting this way! :'( It is this which leaves me shrieking inside my head from the depths of my soul. 

I have seen several diseases up close. This disease is by far the most relentless I have ever witnessed. It doesn't stop with immobilizing and emaciating its victim. It robs the very ability to communicate. How lonely my dad must be inside! How horrible not to be able to express a pain, a thought, a care... even something as basic as an itch! Death must feel like such grace by comparison! :'(

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."
John 14:18

This is where my dad's personal testimony continues to grow and thrive. He continues to find escape in the Word of God. He continues to draw comfort where he should be completely comfortless. His eyes are turned upward to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Faith is perhaps intangible and immeasurable but it *is* real. When there is literally no comfort left to be found in this life, faith sustains. 

I wish this disease would away to the depths of hell. I wish that sickness, suffering, and death were not hallmarks of life. Even so, I hope even more strongly that I can continue to grow in my faith. The Bible promises us strength and grace sufficient for the day. I can only imagine that my sweet dad is getting more strength and grace every single day. 

May I also find that Comforter holding open His arms when life itself leaves me comfortless. May I also push through the pain and continue to praise God. May His goodness continue to always be evident, even on the worst days.                                                                                                                                     

My sisters and I have set up a GoFundMe campaign on behalf of my parents. Please consider sharing the link to it on social media.