He's Still My Hero

This past weekend, I got to visit my parents again. This was my first visit with them since my dad came home from the hospital on Hospice care. To be honest, I have been so wrapped up in trying to preplan for 'that time', that I had not taken the time to step outside of my 'impending death' fraught life. The sudden loss of our beloved patriarch on the other side of our family compounded that. Everything felt whelmed with the waves of death. :'(

People would talk about praying in faith for healing and I heartily agreed. I also heartily disagreed. It is sometimes harder to talk about praying for healing when all signs point to the grave. We have to grieve a bit before we can wrap our minds around our own smallness in this vast universe.

My dad is very determined that we are to pray for his healing. I really wanted to be fully committed to that, too... but how?

It turns out that our visit was exactly what we needed! For one, this time around he wasn't near death in the way that he was the last two times I saw him. This man was my dad!! :) He was my dad in a bed that was in his own home! :) Now, it *is* somewhat sad to see your dad in a hospital bed in his own home. I'll give you that. Still, this man was wide awake! His eyes were truly open! His voice has gone, but he can whisper! :) 

Oh, but he is such a beautiful man! Here is the face that I have cherished since I first opened my eyes in this world! Here are the deep brown eyes which have so carefully followed my life. Here are the big hands, which still love to hold my own. Here is the beautiful hoary head we love to kiss and nuzzle. Mom had lowered the bed rail so I was able to lean over and love on him a bit. Hubs and the girls took turns, too. :) 

This was *exactly* what my heart needed! Not only was I able to see my dad alive and as well as I'd seen him in two weeks; I was able to see the sheer, raw FAITH of a spiritual giant! :) 

If you have been reading these novels that I have dared to call blogs, you will know that my worst suffering has been over the crippling state of my dad. This man, however, was not suffering! He has been soaking himself in Scripture! He listens to it and watches it many hours a day. He is wholly meditating on the Word of God. He has been prayed with by so many people, on top of already spending much of his own time in prayer.

Friends, he looks SO peaceful! He speaks (well, whispers) SO much about his trust in the Lord! He looks to heaven and prays with clear expectations! :) His appetite has come back. It is small but it is there! His body tone seems to be improving in areas! He can whisper complete sentences, where he *was* down to a slurred word here and there. I am watching his faith rebuild him from the inside out!! 

Yes, he is still almost completely trapped inside his own body. That is always painful to see. It is heartbreaking, really. For some reason, though, his enormous faith and spirit overcome the physical obstacles and you can still see *him* very clearly, in spite of his body and circumstances. He is there! <3 <3  

There are not a whole lot of things I know for a certain in this world. This one thing I know for sure, though. My dad always has been and always will be a spiritual leader. I have so much to continue learning from him. He has not given up his faith, in any measure. He has not given up his fight! 

Things looked SO bleak before. We were all slowly grieving our way to the end of this hideous battle with ALS. It isn't that way now. Now we are trusting, praying, calling upon God to fulfill His promises. Now, we are *living* again! We are committing this man to LIFE in the name of Jesus! :) :) :) 

God Almighty has the final say in things. He knows how best to use my dad's life to His glory. He alone decides the number of my dad's days. Doctors do not decide this. GOD decides this. We trust Him implicitly to know that number. In the meantime, we are rejoicing through every day that we have this beautiful man to look up to. What a marvelous thing to know that he is resting and trusting, rather than suffering. What a glorious example of the peace which passes understanding! I continue to be floored by the giant who is my dad. <3 



We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my parents' behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media. :) Thank you!

The Big Question

Yesterday, I asked our ALS Association rep the question that has been scaring me to pieces off and on this whole time. 

"How is my dad going to die?"

I knew the semantics, mind you. I have been reading over sites about ALS and containing ALS information ever since we learned that he had an MND that was suspected to be ALS.

I know, for instance, that the nerve death happening in his body means that his functions are shutting down, one by one, because messages can no longer pass from his brain to his muscles. We see this affecting his tongue, facial muscles, limbs, etc. This changes how he swallows and speaks, how he moves. This is robbing him of the ability to walk upright. It will rob him the ability to walk at all. Nerve death is stealing his ability to get up and down. It means that he cannot catch himself when he falls. It means a lot of things.

The same nerve death that causes his brain to send signals, which are no longer being received, is happening in his lungs. He struggles to breath when it is rainy or if the humidity is even slightly up. So yes, I know *how* he will die. He will suffocate to death when his nerves can no longer tell his lungs to breathe. :'( :'( :'( 

What I was asking *Joanne is how this will fee. Will he be gasping for air? Will he be writhing or flailing around, keenly aware of taking his dying breaths? Will it be torturous and scary for him? :'( :'( :'( 

Thankfully, she understood exactly what I was asking.

I try to be very professional when I am on the phone but this question made me burst into tears. I was trying to hold them in. She, being so loving and caring, immediately took an even more compassionate tone. She explained to me that ALS patients have very peaceful deaths. When my dad is put on Hospice, they will keep very good care of him. The time will come when it is very clear that he is losing his battle. When that happens, they will make sure that he is medicated for comfort and that he is sleeping.

I know on our end it will be more complicated than that. My mother, at the very least, will still have to witness it happening. :'( :'( :'( On his part, though, my dad should slip off into eternity from a state of calm, in his slumber. This is everything that he has ever prayed for. I thank my God mightily for this!!

We don't know how long he has. Some days, it feels like he may not last the month. Other days, I can be more optimistic about everything. God is still on His throne, after all. There are things doctors cannot explain. Miracles do still happen in the everyday. 

Today I continue to pray for healing. I pray for the Holy Spirit indwelling my dad to move through him and to cause healing/regeneration in the nerves and muscles throughout his body. I pray that mercy will be granted from Heaven. I pray that we will all be spared and that the Lord will be glorified. 

That is the big thing, of course. May God get the glory. In good times or bad, in pain or in pleasure, in joy or in sorrow... may the world know that God is good. <3

We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my dad's behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media. *Name changed for privacy

Mama, I Wish You

Several recent birth traumas and injuries have caused my heart to be most heavy, most tender today. There is so much I wish for mothers in this crazy, unfair world of ours. 

Mama, I Wish You...

Mama, I see the tears trailing down your cheeks. 

I hear your sobs though I'm not nearby. 

Your heart cries out in pain without words,

and our hearts echo back in reply. 

I wish... I wish...

Mama, I wish you the arms of Jesus

wrapped tightly around your heart.
I wish His arms around your baby

while you two are far apart. 

I wish you had calm instead of terror;

 the fear of losing your precious baby boy.

I wish this nightmare you're living

could be somehow replaced with joy.

I wish that I could undo the moments

that lead to this frightening birth.

I wish yesterday had been the best of your life, 

instead of the scariest, and worst. 

Oh mama, how I wish I could express to you

the deepest sympathies of my heart. 

I wish that I could let you know that you are not alone

as you lay feeling empty, forgotten in the dark. 

Too many mamas have gone before you.

Too many of us know well this blackened road. 

You feel alone though surrounded with people

all wishing they could bear for you this load.

I wish you a healthier baby this minute, 

the next hour, day, and week. 

I wish you safe recovery to meet him in person, 

and plant mother's love kisses on his cheek. 

I wish health to his heart, mind, and body, 

and for his seizures to altogether cease.

I beg God for healing, in His Holy name

in my heart and on my knees. 

I wish you a mountain of mercies, 

new from the Lord each minute of every day.

I wish you His guidance, His goodness

every single step of the way. 

Lord, touch this mama and all others like her. 

Let your healing hand not from them roam.

Bring her and baby your healing, Oh God,

let these babies and mommies go home.