Garden/Spring Update June 11, 2017

Things are really growing in the small backyard of this small but contented family! <3 :) 

This is a bucket of lettuce. There are many kinds in here, as you can see. We have been consistently eating them and they are still booming! haha

I looove having these on sandwiches, tacos, burritos, as a salad, and any other thing you would add a 'green' to. 

The flavors and scents range from sweet to herbal. My daddy would be *so* pleased to see his buckets so full of life! There is not one bucket he gave us that is not booming!

Giraffe's zucchini plants have really taken off! We planted almost everything in our garden this year from seeds. It is extremely gratifying to watch them grow and produce!

The first zucchini came in from the garden the other day. (Not pictured.) It was at *least* around eleven inches long and was also nice and fat!

We cannot wait to share our bounty with our favorite neighbors! It is a highlight of our summers to share the bounty of our garden with them each year. They love zucchini the best. We're ON it!! :D

Tomatoes are also on the way. There are many little flowers blooming and a few tiny fruits themselves. :) 

Our markers got misplaced, moved, or weren't placed at all so each plant is going to be a surprise to us when they ripen. 

Will this one be red? Brown? Yellow? Yellow-red? Large? Medium? Tiny? Huge? It is hard to tell! 

It is late to add to our crop but I am eager to get more plants started. I want to make sure that every single variety is well represented! I am most eager to sample the steakhouse, sunrise bumblebee and big rainbow!

Some of the plants are small and just starting out. These were seeds sewn directly into the straw of the bales.

We kept an eye open for what was growing well and what wasn't. On my dad's birthday, little Koala and Giraffe went through the garden, adding seeds wherever we had empty spaces. Some of those are just now showing up. 

They planted everything from more watermelon to cucamelon, pumpkin to pole beans... you name it, we have seeds for it planted in here somewhere! :D This is SO much fun! We will continue the process of seeding and planting until the garden is nice and full. :)

My spinach is growing well and tastes delicious! I believe that we have a variety of four types of spinach this year. These were planted by Giraffe on the same day in which I planted all of the lettuce and the red cabbage into other buckets.

You can see that we need to thin it out a bit. That is exceptionally hard for me to do, though! lol I tend to eat the leaves when they are still small 'baby' spinach. I'm sure I will try to grow some guts and thin these beautiful babies out. 

I love the lettuce and spinach mix we have going this year! I know that I am a broken record about it, really, I do. This just brings me such joy, generally. This year, it brings much-needed relief to my heartache. 

My herbs are still growing well in the cast-off straw from last year's bale garden. 

You can see that my basil (far left) is starting to flower. This has never happened to me before. I need to look into that. 

Purple basil is in the middle and looks lovely. Parsley is far right. I am most enthusiastic about using this herb. :)

Cantaloupe and cucumbers also coming along. This year they are primarily growing out the back of the garden. I have two rows of bales, where last year I had just the one. 

I would still like to tie these up to the trellis. Last year, the cantaloupe and cucumbers helped hold up tomatoes. I never had a problem with one strangling the other. They made great trellis mates. I may have to go again.

Here is a better picture of some of our little cucumbers that are growing. Again, these came from seeds we planted! Yay!

I also have to tell you something else... these belong to my littlest little! She has two bales that are hers. In them, she is growing cucumber, zucchini, cucamelon, watermelon, and beans. 

I let her choose what to plant and where she wanted them. It has been both sweet and joyous, watching my little baby tend to the garden in her own little way! 

It is never too early to teach children the value of life... all life... and to encourage their love of cultivating it! <3 <3 <3 

My peppers are struggling, I'll be honest. I have two Sweet California Wonder. These are what you might recognize as the multi-colored bell pepper. There will be red, yellow, and green when they finally grow tall and well. 

I also have two Emerald Green bell peppers growing. I couldn't tell you which set of two this is. You can see that they are quite tiny. I am going to be fertilizing them soon and keeping a closer eye on their progress.

Peppers are meant to be planted two plants at a time, as companion plants. This helps them to flower and produce better, and provides them better protection. When they are larger, I will be staking or caging them, as well.

This is one of my Red Acre Cabbage plants. :) I planted these seeds much earlier than my Green Acre Cabbage so they are larger. 

I absolutely love the purple coloring and veins stretching through the leaves. I truly cannot wait to have entire heads of red and white cabbage! This is one of those 'first time' veggies that has me beside myself! hehe

This set of buckets contains another mix. There is celery growing in the small blue bucket. I keep telling myself that I will move that poor thing to a bale somewhere! lol 

The celery plant has been hidden by the massive leaves of my Snow Cauliflower. You can see that it is the star of the show in that particular green bucket. The bucket split but I am unwilling to lose it, since it was my dad's. I red-necked that thing together with some duct tape and am going to keep growing in it! haha

The smaller, lighter green leaves are from my radishes. I am growing these every three weeks. They do very well every time, so far!

I still have another 40-ish pictures. I won't be able to share every plant in the garden this year. 

I am going to end this by abruptly switching tracks on you. Okay? lol

We have continued to use our new popsicle molds, much to the children's delight! Mine too... who am I kidding?

This week we did some that were strawberry, some strawberry-peach (in strawberry-banana jello), and a special more diabetic-friendly combination for me. 

Instead of jello (with its high sugar content), I added peaches and strawberries (which have their own sugar) to blueberry tea. I found this to be an especially good idea for me. I will continue to make tea pops for myself through the summer, with and without fruit. :)

Father's Day is coming up. I am a wreck of emotions this year, given that I've just lost my dad in March. However, mixed in there is the deep love I have for my husband and partner in life. He is a million kinds of wonderful. I look up to him in a great many ways. 

He is kind, strong, compassionate, gentle, loving, assertive when he needs to be, and a strong defender of his family. We are best friends and lovers, individuals and equals. I am very secure with this man. That says a lot for me, as I struggle with feeling safe anywhere in general. 

God has been kind, in sending me someone to walk through both the beautiful and the ugly of this life. I recognize the great fortune I have in being his and do not take it lightly. From the bottom of my heart, I love you forever, Hubs! 

Happy Father's Day!<3 <3 <3 

The Big Question

Yesterday, I asked our ALS Association rep the question that has been scaring me to pieces off and on this whole time. 

"How is my dad going to die?"

I knew the semantics, mind you. I have been reading over sites about ALS and containing ALS information ever since we learned that he had an MND that was suspected to be ALS.

I know, for instance, that the nerve death happening in his body means that his functions are shutting down, one by one, because messages can no longer pass from his brain to his muscles. We see this affecting his tongue, facial muscles, limbs, etc. This changes how he swallows and speaks, how he moves. This is robbing him of the ability to walk upright. It will rob him the ability to walk at all. Nerve death is stealing his ability to get up and down. It means that he cannot catch himself when he falls. It means a lot of things.

The same nerve death that causes his brain to send signals, which are no longer being received, is happening in his lungs. He struggles to breath when it is rainy or if the humidity is even slightly up. So yes, I know *how* he will die. He will suffocate to death when his nerves can no longer tell his lungs to breathe. :'( :'( :'( 

What I was asking *Joanne is how this will fee. Will he be gasping for air? Will he be writhing or flailing around, keenly aware of taking his dying breaths? Will it be torturous and scary for him? :'( :'( :'( 

Thankfully, she understood exactly what I was asking.

I try to be very professional when I am on the phone but this question made me burst into tears. I was trying to hold them in. She, being so loving and caring, immediately took an even more compassionate tone. She explained to me that ALS patients have very peaceful deaths. When my dad is put on Hospice, they will keep very good care of him. The time will come when it is very clear that he is losing his battle. When that happens, they will make sure that he is medicated for comfort and that he is sleeping.

I know on our end it will be more complicated than that. My mother, at the very least, will still have to witness it happening. :'( :'( :'( On his part, though, my dad should slip off into eternity from a state of calm, in his slumber. This is everything that he has ever prayed for. I thank my God mightily for this!!

We don't know how long he has. Some days, it feels like he may not last the month. Other days, I can be more optimistic about everything. God is still on His throne, after all. There are things doctors cannot explain. Miracles do still happen in the everyday. 

Today I continue to pray for healing. I pray for the Holy Spirit indwelling my dad to move through him and to cause healing/regeneration in the nerves and muscles throughout his body. I pray that mercy will be granted from Heaven. I pray that we will all be spared and that the Lord will be glorified. 

That is the big thing, of course. May God get the glory. In good times or bad, in pain or in pleasure, in joy or in sorrow... may the world know that God is good. <3

We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my dad's behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media. *Name changed for privacy

Give Me Back My Dad

When she is tiny,
The girl turns to her dad.
So big, so strong.
Monsters never have a chance.

When she is little,
Her personality is known.
Daddy protects her,
Watches her as she grows.

When she is bigger,
He still lifts her to the sky.
Who knew that thumb and pinky
Could cause a girl to soar so high?

She knows everything, suddenly,
When she becomes a teen.
He challenges and questions her thoughts,
Without being terribly mean.

Then comes the day
The girl transforms into a bride.
She walks to the altar vows
With daddy still right by her side.

Who gives this woman?
The question is so simply asked.
Tears in his eyes, he recalls her childhood -
A pleasure, not a task.

Life moves on
With all its ebbs and flows.
Infertility, trauma, depression.
Beauty, too. A miracle and a rose.

Her dad still laughs with her,
Still prays for her as each day is new.
Thinks of her and prays many more times
Before the day is through.

She calls him on the phone.
Daddy, how are you today?
Her cares and joys expressed
In a balance of hurts and praise.

Daddies expect girls to grow up.
This is a truth we hold.
But the girls never truly,
Expect their daddies to grow old.

When a man is his child's hero,
He becomes invincible to her.
His strength taken for granted,
The years with him, a blur.

So when the day comes that,
His strength fades suddenly before her eyes.
It throws her into denial.
It has taken her by surprise!

Dads are supposed to last forever.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
There are supposed to be decades left,
Before God calls him away.

My God, why my very own dad!?!
Is her heart-wrenching cry.
Why not men who are merciless?
But God is silent, doesn't answer her why.

I hate this journey we are on.
This is not the road I would ever choose.
Even in my thirties, I am too young,
This giant in my life to lose.

God, help me take every moment.
Let me show him always that I care.
Even though on a soul-deep level,
I find this all so incredibly unfair.

Give him back his days, God.
Give him back his youth.
Give him back strength and vigor.
Keep him walking in truth.

It is not okay!!
My soul cries loudly within me.
Forever is not enough,
And never really could be.

This is one of the hardest trials,
My family has ever had.
Take ALS away from us!!
Give me back my dad.

When Toil and Trouble Meeting

"Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take as from the Father's hand.
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

'Til I reach the Promised Land"

Walking through the "valley of the shadow of death" with someone you love tremendously is one of the hardest things we do in this life. As a person of faith, you work hard to believe that there could be a miracle waiting in the wings. As a human being, you are acutely aware of what the words 'fatal disease' mean. 

This song, "Day by Day" (by A.L. Skoog), speaks to the believer's heart like few others. In fact, it can minister to the soul better than a sermon on the right days. Today is one such day. These lines in particular tug at my heartstrings because it seems like so many of my prayers for my dad have flooded from my heart in paragraphs innumerable. Yet, when it comes to my lips, I have simply been reduced to, "God, help!"

I do still manage long prayers regularly. They are just disjointed and sloppy. It is like when I talk to my friends. When I am asked how we are doing, everything comes out in a jumble. My emotions, thoughts, fears, concerns, and efforts to piece these all together come bubbling out in a myriad of expressions that feels like the emotional aftermath of a trauma. The only thing is, we are not in the aftermath yet. We are in the present and the trials are at hand.

...when toil and trouble meeting...

We are in the midst of trouble. We are toiling to get through it. My dad is the one who has a terminal illness but it feels to all of us as though we are all dying. Grief is like that, I think. There is a living grief and a death grief. We are right now in the living grief.

This song reminds me to keep looking up. It reminds me that when I cannot feel strong enough to have hope or faith, I don't actually have to have those things. God has those things for me. He is the interceder. He is making prayers on my behalf when I cannot speak the words from my own lips. 

I think of my little koala. She is getting so big but is yet just a tiny person. I think of the way she longs to spend her day on my lap or in my arms. Every time her eyes meet mine, she smiles. She has that innocent trust that everything is better just because she has looked up and found me looking back. Oh, to always look at God like that! *tears*

That is how it is, you know, this valley of the shadow of death. We are constantly hanging onto one another, yes, but we are also constantly looking up. Is God still there? Yes. Does He still feel this? Yes. Does He see the pain? Yes. Is this situation truly in His hands? Yes!

The answer is a million times "YES!" because things this big cannot be taken from the hands of God. 

"One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
'Til I reach the Promised Land."

We are walking a horrible road right now. All of the faith in the world cannot erase the fact that this is very painful. Holding onto one another helps. Looking to God and seeing that He is still looking back. The promise - that eternal promise that we will see one another again someday, no matter who goes first - helps. Time is short. Days, moments are precious. Time is a currency. Spend it where it matters.

To My Husband

Dear Hubs, 

    I was thinking about what I wanted to write to you for Father's Day, and I couldn't come up with anything that seemed good enough. I wanted to write a poem, but am afraid to lose some sincerity in rhyme. I thought of writing a straight you-themed blog, but that too seemed a daunting task. 

     How am I supposed to put my entire heart into words? I've tried off and on through the years, and have never yet come up with anything that sums it all up. For someone who enjoys talking and writing, and who loves you so dearly, I struggle mightily when it comes to this topic... the topic of you, and of my love and feelings towards you. Even now I am embarrassed, recognizing that already I am stumbling over this letter so badly. Please excuse that. <3 

     There are the big things, of course. The separate moments that we fell in love with one another, and the time we spent cultivating it... our wedding day, and the first years of our marriage. The miscarriages that dashed our hopes and broke our hearts time and time again. The eventual diagnosis that we had developed an infertility issue, which seemed like a crushing blow. 

   Then there was the pregnancy test that turned pink, and the baby that stayed and eventually turned our whole world pink. Giraffe entered our lives in a way we had never been told to expect. The day I watched you become a father you almost became a widower, and childless. It was the hardest thing we have ever gone through. I will never forget the hours we spent sitting together in broken silence in the N.I.C.U., or the mixed look of tragedy and love on your face every time you watched over or held our big little girl. 

(Gack! There goes my make up! Perhaps I should not have written this before church!)

   I saw something else in that N.I.C.U. ward too, though I was too upset and distracted to realize it at the time. I saw you becoming a father, and really, it seemed more that you already WERE a father. I always knew you were the kind of guy who was meant to be dad, and when the world exploded and Giraffe was here, the transformation was instant. You changed all of her diapers so gently and tenderly with love. Every single one, without complaint. You learned to dress her without further injuring her damaged and paralyzed body. 

   You championed me for seventeen hours a day, and even every two hours those short, painful nights making sure I had clean pumping supplies, and running scant drops of colostrum from the Ronald McDonald House up the long, long corridors back to the N.I.C.U. You were my rock when your world was falling apart as rapidly as mine. I can't keep going... there are too many memories... but I need you to know that you are the single strongest man I have ever met. The things we've gone through have been rough, and there have been times where we lived in more pain than promise. Through it all, you have have been the loving, tender, humble, yet strong leader that this family needs. You guide us through the good and the bad, and make sure that all of your girls feel safe and loved at the end of the day. 
   

When Koala joined us nearly two years ago, I got to see you shine all over again. You were so doting and attentive. You exhausted yourself seeing to it that I stayed pregnant and that she got here safely. Your home is completely surrounded in feminine energy, your life immersed in flowers and ladybugs and giraffes and pink and well, it suits you beautifully. <3 I know we have to run now so I'll end this, but I just want you to know that no man could ever be more loved, more appreciated, more adored than you. 

                                                                    Eternally Yours, 
                                                                                     ~Lynn

PS: I owe you one killer barbecue grill. ;)