Joy in the Morning

"Hear my song, Lord; You fill me with music.

Hear my words, Lord; You fill me with praise.

Take this moment; I just can't waste it.

This one is yours, Lord; I give you this day."

~ Song Lyrics by Gloria Gaither

This song touches me on a soul level, every time I hear it. Not only is it rhythmic and soothing, but also the words ring so very true. My life right now is one giant juxtaposition of beauty and pain. I cannot help but think of the Psalmist on days like these. 

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."Psalm 30:5b

Last night was a night of prayer. I did not weep literally, for a change, but my heart was sore. My dad was having trouble breathing, even with his new mask. He was very weak and could only take a couple of bites of his dinner. (purees) My mom sent us a pic of him looking very pale, tucked into his recliner, wearing his mask, trying to breathe. For any child, the sight of their father struggling is hard. We were understandably shaken up. Something about this felt worse.

Unfortunately, nights like that cause me to remember that this is one more in a vast series of scares we are going to have. It also caused me to wonder if he would be passing on that very night. I don't usually have that instinct but something seemed different. This was more unsettling than some of his other rough nights. I tucked my children's coats and shoes on a chair where they could be grabbed in the middle of the night if needed.

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Then we have the other half of this beauty and pain juxtaposition. I quickly posted to our friends and family for prayer on my dad's behalf. I do not do this to seek attention or to appear dramatic. No, if you've been around ALS, you know that this could not be the case. 

I ask for prayer because I have seen it work. Indeed, I have even felt it work in my own body. I also do this because my dad is well-loved by many people. Those who love him are mostly persons of faith. This is simply what we *do* in times of trial. We pray for one another. It is a way to send love and support when we cannot be there or do something physically to help.

It is comforting to see how prayer begins to go up. I am reminded of the verse which says, "Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20) So many of the names that offer prayers are people I know pray together with spouses or as a family. Each person adds to our list of 'two or three'. On the whole, there is nothing but love swirling towards him. I am deeply moved because I know the power behind this much energy. 

Every time we have done this, my dad's rough night has improved. Every. Single. Time. Not too long after they prayers begin rolling, my mom sent us another picture. Mind you, I had not said a word to them about having people pray on their behalf. They went from my mom keeping an eye on him (watchful, ready to call the squad), to my dad sitting up and asking for a cup of coffee. If you saw the stark difference between the two pictures, you would also see God. It blew my mind, yet again.

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This brings me to the 'joy comes in the morning' part. :) With that much prayer and that much support, it is impossible to remain in a negative space. Where there should be fear, there is praise instead! My God, the great Physician, has my dad in His hands! Whether it goes well or goes badly, there is safety in knowing that he is simply held. 

We are waiting this morning to hear how the rest of my dad's night went. As with every morning, I am eager to hear from my parents. I will wait (somewhat impatiently) until they make contact with us. If they are asleep, I do not want to wake them. If they have begun their day, I do not want to interrupt them. This morning, I have a light heart. I am singing inside and will sing aloud when my Giraffe wakes up.

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The morning will come when I wake with my dad no longer on this earth. Mornings like this give me the strength to believe that I will be able to face that morning, too. I sincerely believe that when he passes on, there will be no more pain for my dad. There will be complete healing of a different kind. It won't be easy but it will be cause for rejoicing. How could we not celebrate the end of suffering? My dad is a beautiful soul. He is kind, loving, and gentle in his own way. Every day that he wakes to another day of suffering is a day that will make the morning he rests eternally a beautiful morning. 

All I ask of *this* morning is that it is better than last night. I ask that he breathes more easily. I ask that he feel loved and that he gets some rest. The Lord provides "strength for the day and bright hope for tomorrow", indeed.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see. 

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided,

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth 
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, 
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! 

~Song Lyrics by Chris Rice

We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my dad's behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media. 

The Big Question

Yesterday, I asked our ALS Association rep the question that has been scaring me to pieces off and on this whole time. 

"How is my dad going to die?"

I knew the semantics, mind you. I have been reading over sites about ALS and containing ALS information ever since we learned that he had an MND that was suspected to be ALS.

I know, for instance, that the nerve death happening in his body means that his functions are shutting down, one by one, because messages can no longer pass from his brain to his muscles. We see this affecting his tongue, facial muscles, limbs, etc. This changes how he swallows and speaks, how he moves. This is robbing him of the ability to walk upright. It will rob him the ability to walk at all. Nerve death is stealing his ability to get up and down. It means that he cannot catch himself when he falls. It means a lot of things.

The same nerve death that causes his brain to send signals, which are no longer being received, is happening in his lungs. He struggles to breath when it is rainy or if the humidity is even slightly up. So yes, I know *how* he will die. He will suffocate to death when his nerves can no longer tell his lungs to breathe. :'( :'( :'( 

What I was asking *Joanne is how this will fee. Will he be gasping for air? Will he be writhing or flailing around, keenly aware of taking his dying breaths? Will it be torturous and scary for him? :'( :'( :'( 

Thankfully, she understood exactly what I was asking.

I try to be very professional when I am on the phone but this question made me burst into tears. I was trying to hold them in. She, being so loving and caring, immediately took an even more compassionate tone. She explained to me that ALS patients have very peaceful deaths. When my dad is put on Hospice, they will keep very good care of him. The time will come when it is very clear that he is losing his battle. When that happens, they will make sure that he is medicated for comfort and that he is sleeping.

I know on our end it will be more complicated than that. My mother, at the very least, will still have to witness it happening. :'( :'( :'( On his part, though, my dad should slip off into eternity from a state of calm, in his slumber. This is everything that he has ever prayed for. I thank my God mightily for this!!

We don't know how long he has. Some days, it feels like he may not last the month. Other days, I can be more optimistic about everything. God is still on His throne, after all. There are things doctors cannot explain. Miracles do still happen in the everyday. 

Today I continue to pray for healing. I pray for the Holy Spirit indwelling my dad to move through him and to cause healing/regeneration in the nerves and muscles throughout his body. I pray that mercy will be granted from Heaven. I pray that we will all be spared and that the Lord will be glorified. 

That is the big thing, of course. May God get the glory. In good times or bad, in pain or in pleasure, in joy or in sorrow... may the world know that God is good. <3

We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my dad's behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media. *Name changed for privacy