Father's Day

Just for today, I don't want to be comforted.

No platitudes about Heaven where he has gone.

I don't want to be told how happy he is,

Or that he wouldn't want to be missed.

Today, let me grieve the life that was lived.

Let me ache for the man who is gone.

Let me think of how he was - 

Don't make me force a smile instead.

My soul, he was so real!

My daddy was a giant.

His heart, his personality, his laugh was massive.

He had a smile to match.

I miss the hugs from arms like beams;

The thumping of life in his chest.

I miss calling him for his advice,

Because "father knows best".

My dad put time into each of us.

He called me and the girls when he passed by our town,

Just so we could yell out loudly,

"WE LOVE YOU, PAPA!"

Even when he wasn't here, he was close.

You don't get over that in a minute.

Remembering those sweet things

Makes it hurt worse... makes the soul ache.

So let me shed my tears.

Do not begrudge me this grief.

I will always cry about my dad,

And those tears will bring relief.

I have apologized my whole life

For having big feelings in response to things.

But this is how I was created, and

This is what such gigantic love brings.

There was never anyone like my dad.

He was the biggest, the strongest, the best.

There will never be another man like him,

Now he's entered into rest.

Taking this moment is for me and for him...

This moment, this space is for 'us'. 

I am not wallowing right now.

I am grieving, and that *is* allowed.

Today of all days - Father's Day,

It is hard not to be lost in tears.

I was so privileged to be so deeply loved

For my first thirty-five earth-side years.

Goodbye again, my sweet dad.

It isn't right that you are gone.

Yet, somehow I am jealous, too.

That you get to be with pain forever done.

I wish I could hug you a minute in Heaven,

So you didn't have to come back down here.

You got exactly what you wanted,

And I know that you are finally free. 

See? This is what grief does.

It moves in waves all on its own. 

It overwhelms the soul, as if to drown,

But moves through again to acceptance. 

This is why I say don't force it.
I don't want to hear the cliches.
I am a walking, weeping, living cliche.
I wouldn't ask my dad back down to earth.

He did not want to be here,
And he didn't deserve the pain he had.
Just for a minute... a single minute,
I want to go visit my dad.

Church Hurt

This post is going to be tricky to write. However, I feel as though it is necessary. I want to address something which has come to be known as 'church hurt'.