Church Hurt

This post is going to be tricky to write. However, I feel as though it is necessary. I want to address something which has come to be known as 'church hurt'.

I have been completely open about the fact that I perceive the specific brand of religion I was raised as harsh. This is not to say that every person under that religious title is this way, but by and large, I come from a historically incredibly punitive organized religion. To be fair, I was not aware of this harshness initially. I had no sense that I wasn't considering the feelings of others, much less that those feelings are (gasp!) valid. I even laughed when other people used words like 'strict' to refer to my upbringing and our denomination. It was simply how life *was*. I honestly thought that we were very caring people. It has taken going through a lot myself to be able to see things clearly.

The fact that I view the religion I grew up in as harsh is probably no surprise to non-religious people. After all, religion as a whole sometimes seems like it is intentionally designed to control and manipulate. This is because religion as we know it is a far cry from what God laid forth and intended for it to be. It is meant to be the doorway to a relationship with Christ. It was never intended to be the fanatical and Pharisaical tradition-fest that is so common throughout the world.

Independent
In our specific sect, we value independence. This is the point upon which our denomination wants you to focus. We are INDEPENDENT. This means that no organization is governing (to be understood as corrupting) any individual church. We are NOT associated with any other church building anywhere in the world. It is important to focus on that because the word 'independent' means that we are different from everyone else. Do not judge us by other churches - even those which purport to have identical beliefs. 

So, you see, the very word which means we are all individual/separate/unique is used in a way that protects us by implying "We are better. We are more right. We are more compassionate. We are different." I even understand this concept, because my entire goal to this day is to be different from what I am used to seeing as the norm.

A Single Sentence
I once shared an article online about how men dying from HIV were rejected by their families; thrown away by people who were supposed to love them because they were homosexual. It was so bad, that their own parents were not even accepting their bodies after they died. The article featured this beautiful woman whose mission it became to love on the dying and bury them properly. God bless this sainted lady! As a mother of two myself, the horrors of throwing away your child grieves my heart. As a child of God under the onus to love my neighbor, this grieves my soul. I find it abominable. I said as much.

At some point within a week, I received an intentionally thoughtfully-crafted message in my inbox about this post. Given that most of the people from the religious circle in which I grew up actively vote against policies that affect anyone LGBTQIA+, I figured this pm was probably going to address my call for compassion. 

Instead, what followed was a carefully written lecture about a single sentence in my post.

Specifically, I was being called to the carpet for saying that I came from a harsh, angry brand of religion. I will spare you the points made in this message. It was everything you would expect, really. It wasn't even worth the time to respond. However, a single sentence in that note stood out to me. (Poetic, right?) 

"I know you've been hurt..., but..."

The letter was forgotten within a day, but this phrase has come back to mind off and on ever since I read it. It is possible that it stuck with me because I have never personally discussed any 'church hurt' with the person who wrote to me. This means that they are operating on hearsay from incredibly old information they got from someone else, which is sadly no surprise. More than likely, however, the phrase stuck with me because 'church hurt' is a concept which many from my specific brand of religion have used to excuse atrocities and to further alienate and punish God's children. It is a term that is used to belittle people we should actually be reaching out to with open arms.

What is Church Hurt?

Let me first clarify the term. 'Church hurt' is when you have been the target of abuse of power within the church system. It *can* be sexual, but far more common is psychological manipulation or other such emotional abuse.

Many years ago my husband and I experienced sustained abuse within a church at the hands of the pastor. I do not say this to besmirch him. (Isn't it funny that my gut instinct is to protect him? I have been trained well.) Writing out a single example here would be seen as tantamount to affronting God himself. Honesty about the sins of pastors is vilified in our circles, as it is in much of religion. That is partially why this blog post is so necessary. 

***Side note: The word 'independent' we addressed above also covers a belief that God alone will deal with pastors. Any speech against "God's man" will get you dealt with harshly in that church and any other church in which that specific pastor has friends. This is another frustrating topic.*** 

Our time spent under that pastor was a private hell, but the love and care of our fellow church members was a highlight which sticks with us today. Compassionate Christians make all the difference everywhere in the world! We walked away from that place in shock, but we *finally* began to understand the dark system we were part of. This was a catalyst for much-needed, God-lead change.

Who Am I?

I should probably take a minute here to introduce myself more fully. I grew up in the church. My dad was a pastor, so I did not just attend church. I *lived* church. I have been to more youth rallies, more pastor's fellowships, planned/created/pulled off/cleaned up after more church events, visited churches while traveling off and on through more than half of the States, been to colleges and church camps, was a deacon's wife, treasurer's wife, youth pastor's wife, and am an ordained former evangelist's wife. Right now he fills pulpits where necessary. I have also spent over a decade in many online groups specifically for 'us' (members of this religion). After all of this, I am *still* ultimately going to end up being a pastor's wife once we are settled into God's final plan.

When I say that "I come from" this denomination, I do not mean it casually. I mean that I was born, raised, marinated in, participated in, and jumped with a fervent "How high?" on the way up to every single command made of me. I do not say "we" and mean every single person who exists in our chosen faith, but I am qualified to honestly say that a good number of "us" are this way or are at least part of a faction of Christians who is recovering from/learning not to be this way. There is pervasive thinking around this topic. It does exist. We are actively trying to do and be better than what we learned was 'right'. 

So, How Do WE Use This Term?

An Example of Dismissive Use

In "our" circles, "we" have used (and again, many still do use) the term 'church hurt' in a mocking and derisive manner. The idea is that people who are hurt by the church are whiny, sad, childish, selfish, "so-called Christians" (that is a favorite slur used by 'the good ones') who cannot handle the true preaching of the Word. These people have been mistreated by other Christians, and because they aren't focusing on God and are obsessed over whoever hurt them, they are incapable of moving on like a grown adult should.

People who cry 'church hurt' as used in this context are understood to be a shame to Christ. They are probably not even saved. If they are born again, then they are definitely backsliders, and more than likely, they are also bitter. (Another favorite term that is so often misused within these circles.) They want attention. They are doing harm to all of Christianity. They are the reason people hate Christians and would rather die and go to hell than attend church.

In fact, a good many people of my specific denomination would read this article as proof of me being exactly any or even all of those things. Why? Because we simply do not speak anything negative about the church, leadership, fellow Christians, etc lest we should affirm to the lost man that God is a lie and church is a myth. Eyes crawling over this page are undoubtedly sneering "SHE is the problem!"

We absolutely do not want to cause anyone to go to hell (which is true, by the way), and especially not because we have shined an honest light into darkness. Heaven is the goal. We want everyone to make it there. We cannot afford for our sins to turn anyone away from God. After all, we are all sinners - including us whimpering, whining, church hurt types. Why on earth would we risk souls just to get attention? (As if I or anyone else wants negative attention. I actually recoil from attention on any level - even birthdays, etc. I hope that illustrates just how important this topic is to me that I have struggled to force myself to even write this.)

Perhaps you think I am exaggerating the emphasis we put on not talking against the church? I assure you I am not. I have heard all of the above and plenty more behind closed doors, in auditoriums, "our" chat groups, etc. We take our reputation and testimony very seriously. So seriously that we would rather cover up a huge pile of sin with what we feel are sincere smiles and play the blame game than do what God actually calls us to do in His Word. 

Again, this is not "everyone in the entire faith" or even "every single church bearing the denomination I grew up in", but it is pervasive, widely-spread, accepted 'truth'. 

Why I Disagree

SO, why am I writing this distasteful, religion-damaging blog post? The answer is quite simple. I disagree that dishonesty about the flaws of religion is the only way to protect our faith. I disagree that being honest does more damage to Christ than to expose an ugly truth. The exact opposite is true. I have the nerve to think that the more open we are about our problems, the more transparent we get about exactly why we need God so much in the first place, the more likely people are to realize that faith is about a relationship with God himself. It is not about those massive invisible rulers by which we measure ourselves.

At no time in history has it been more clear that the hidden transgressions of the church (all faiths, all denominations) are exactly what is turning people off to Christ. It isn't *just* that we sin, it is that we excuse ourselves from our sins. 

What the entire world knows to be true, is that actions have consequences. Where does any group of spiritually enlightened people get off telling them how to live, if so many hideous things happen in private and are never dealt with? 

(Dealing with these things privately is always the go-to move of independent churches, and also with many other religions. This has already been widely proven the world over.) 

Who do we think we are that we believe asking God for forgiveness in any way excuses us from secular consequences?

The Price of Silence

When we left that abusive church, the pastor slandered us to many pastors and people. Eighteen months of abuse were topped off with raging gossip and intentional black-listing so pervasive that eventually, even my own grandparents believed it. That stain followed us, as he meant it to. He had that pastoral immunity which allowed him to continue to damage our lives while we protected his.

Eventually, we found the strength to privately confide our experience to our closest family and friends. We have been greatly saddened (but not surprised) over the years to find that this pattern has been repeated in countless homes, families, and churches. We know more broken people who are shamed into silence than we do supposedly 'whole' people who are running the show. 

The silence of the laity has allowed a wide range of abuse to flow freely through our entire denomination. We are not exempt from the pain taking place in churches of all faiths around the world. Change starts at home. It is not the job of so-called 'lost' people to change the church. That is supposed to happen from within.

It isn't just people who are paying this price of silence. It is God, Himself. We are brainwashed to believe that if we protect our pastor and our faith, God will protect us. This is simply untrue. Hidden violence, hidden psychological abuse, hidden sexual abuse, unkindness, judgment without compassion and instruction, I could go on all day... all of these things, however 'small' any given religious organization deems them to be, lay figurative fresh wounds into the body of Christ. 

We *are* the problem. Silence *is* the problem. Only in the free and open discourse of where we have gone wrong can we begin to discuss what it means to express our faith correctly and move forward.

Perception Vs Reality

Our experience did more than hurt us temporarily. (And it *was* temporary. Thank the Lord for healing!) This is the part where God stepped in! It opened our eyes! We continued to examine God's truths in His Word. To our utter shock, so much of the tradition we hold as Gospel isn't even listed within the pages of the Good Book! These revelations and growth continue, even to this day.

Our lives have forever been changed. We are *grateful* for those changes. God continues to mold our hearts and show us who He means for us to be in this world of ours. We do not have time for masks, false piety, or other nonsense. The world is crying out for us to be our authentic selves, but we have been so brainwashed to believe that if we do not put on a 'happy face' for the world, we are misrepresenting God. That is simply untrue!

The Scarlet Letter

Church hurt as defined properly *is* real. There are innumerable people who are being mistreated, abused, manipulated, burned out, or neglected within the walls of our churches, synagogues, temples, and other meeting places worldwide. Hubs and I experienced it in our own lives. That is true. What isn't true is that we are still somehow harboring that same hurt fifteen years later.

When I received that lovingly crafted note of rebuke and saw the phrase, "I know you have been hurt... but..." it made me a little bit sad to realize that tlan experience we almost never even think about is still being held against us negatively so far in the future. We do not hold any bitterness. We do not hold any malice. What we went through is so far in the past that it is simply not a topic of our daily lives. 

Moreover, we are grateful that God loves us enough to allow that to happen so that we could grow and change. So many painful circumstances of different kinds (traumatic events, deaths, health issues, etc) have come into our lives which have forever changed us. Those changes are permanent and have ultimately been beneficial. They are even necessary for our spiritual development. 

Yet here we are this far in the future and our harsh, angry religion continues to prove itself to be exactly that. Instead of seeing that life has allowed personal growth, we are viewed as that tragic couple who has been hurt and went off of the path of truth because of it. Any variation from what we were meant to be, per our religion, has been assigned to us as a permanent scarlet letter against our relationship with this organized religion. 

We are not unique. This is *exactly* what happens time and time again. If you vary even slightly, if you dare to say a single word that doesn't paint our denomination in a positive light, you are "church hurt". It is our world's version of "butthurt". I am so deeply grateful that we are now non-denominational. I bless the Lord that we attend a church that is focused on having a relationship with God, rather than stacking ourselves up against our fellow man for a measuring contest. Is anyone here perfect? No. There is no perfect church. We never were looking for a perfect building or perfect people to begin with.

What Can We Do?

Pointing out publicly that "we" (yes, all of us) as a denomination, as a religion, as a whole need to change how we deal with people is not a sin against Christ and His church. It is a fulfillment of our Biblical mandate: be honest, allow our testimony to reach others (both the good and the bad can point to Christ), and show that God is bigger than ALL of that. He is not defined by our flaws, and admitting them does not stain His name. Failing to admit them and move forward does the harm. God is bigger than pettiness! God is bigger than abuse! God is bigger than selfishness! God wants us to learn, grow, and change as we continue to walk with Him. 

I sincerely hope that someday Christians will stop throwing darts at one another. I pray that we stop focusing on the offenses we take. When there are offenses, I hope that we are honest enough to stand up and admit it when we are wrong. I am wrong a lot! We simply *must* be open, honest, and communicative. I like to talk about my mistakes and flaws as I grow because I have found that people need to know that they are not alone. This is how we then grow together. 

Honestly, there isn't anyone out there who needs to decide that I am "like this" because of church hurt. I am who I am today because of continually seeking after Christ. I do not believe the way I do because some man was a jerk so far back that I have practically forgotten about it. I believe this way because I am convicted that this is what God wants me to believe. I then speak from that conviction. 

I remain convinced that our churches need more change than we are willing to make. I will always be honest about where I came from. The world demands honesty that God has already required of us since the beginning of time. Transparency is important. 

There is no way that a single sentence in a post about compassion is doing more damage to God's name than centuries of religious abuse. 

I will not be silent.