Church Hurt

This post is going to be tricky to write. However, I feel as though it is necessary. I want to address something which has come to be known as 'church hurt'.

Thoughts on my Religion

Today my aunt shared a link to a blog about the IFB. For those of you who do not recognize the acronym, it means independent, fundamental Baptist. It is a denomination built on the premise that we are independent churches that (oddly enough) are NOT a combined denomination. IFB is a way to recognize the generic shared doctrine of churches which remain independent of larger group organization.  Now, his thoughts and my thoughts to follow NEED to be taken with the understanding that not all Christians and not all churches (IFB or otherwise) are this way. However, it is a pattern that has emerged over time and which must be changed. Indeed, many people are trying so hard to change it even now.

Anyway, here is the article she shared:
http://reversediscipleship.blogspot.com/2014/03/what-happened-to-us.html

My reaction to this article is strong. This man addresses so much of what my generation has been expressing. I know that a lot of us (adults in our thirties) are breaking away from the strict, formidable stereotype of our predecessors. In the comments section, the author addressed pastors. He said,

"May I take a moment and thank all the excellent Pastors who have stayed independent in their practice and fundamental in their beliefs while continuing to love and encourage their people to grow with Christ. This article is in no way meant to discourage those good men."

My pastor is one such man. Gracious, loving, kind, humble (there is one trait we miss a lot in the IFB)... he is a wonderful guy and a true example of what a shepherd should be.

I was born and raised an IFB preacher's kid. I married a man who became an evangelist, and for now is a church member who preaches where he can. I have worn the shackles of man-created, man-glorifying standards my entire life. I wore them joyfully, and did not perceive them as shackles. I knew what "real Christians" look like, and I looked like all of them. 

My spouse and I experienced horrific spiritual abuse ten years ago. It took five years after that for the glass bubble I was living in to shatter, and the mud to be scraped from my eyes. In my deepest time of depression and despair, it was people I were taught were the 'wrong kind of Christians' who saw and tended my brokenness and my needs. I am IFB, my husband intends to stay IFB, but we are no longer the same. We are changed, and we attend a church of changed people serving with a changed pastor.

In years past, I have seen the pattern repeating all around me in our IFB world. The broken are condemned for breaking, and kicked while they are down. I have watched dear friends being battered until they flee - yes, flee - their churches for the abuse they were under during their time of need. They weren't even sinning! They were hurting, and in turn for their pain were flogged and mistreated, heartlessly turned on and left in a heap. I have supported these friends with every fiber of my being because I know what that abuse feels like.

Where Christ would draw us in, we would keep one another at arm's length for fear of being dragged down. We are so convinced of the rightness of our works, that, while we believe they do not save us, we believe them to be evidence of that salvation. Fruits of the spirit, we call these standards we cling to. We work really hard and in many cases believe that we are the same at home as we are in church, because really do try SO hard to be pious. Many, many of us are not "Sunday only" Christians. 

The problem is that what we are, to our shock, judgmental on one side and secretive on the other. We wear a mask of 'strength'. We hide our imperfections so that we can be a good testimony to other people, completely missing the point that the unchanging theme through the Bible is of God using imperfect people! God uses our infirmities for His glory, yet we are so wrapped up in standards... and in enforcing them... that we do not reveal the cracks! Worse yet, we call this strength! Where God says to "Bear ye one another's burdens", we spend our days 'sucking it up'. We call those who do air their pains and concerns 'dramatic', or figure they are seeking attention. We take pride in our independence and self sustaining. 

There is life in the blood, there is power in the blood, and yet we are afraid to expose the wounds! :'(

The severe and heartless condemnation of one another is more Pharisee than child of God. It has taken time, study, repentance and something else that I did not know how to accomplish... acceptance of God's grace... for me to reach this place where I *hope* I am more like the living example of Christ. I am still changing. Every day, every week, every month, every year I am changing and I hope, growing in Christ. 

It is easy to get hung up on the wrathful and vengeful God. After all, we do not preach a loving God; we preach an Almighty God. This God we preach handles His. He is not just love and cupcakes and rainbows. God the Father has shown wrath to the world, it is true! We preach heartily about His wrath, His anger, His chastisement of His children, but we ignore the living example of humanity that He gave us. Jesus Christ! 

"For God so love the world that He sent his Son"

Yes! Yes, He did! God's son was not just sent do die, though! I believe wholeheartedly that He was sent as an example of what humanity - Christian humanity - aught to look like! He overthrew the tables in the temple ONCE!!! ONCE!! Why? Because His house was being used improperly! I know Christians who justify all kinds of bad behavior on the premise that God got angry. They drag out His temple-tossing like the be-all, end-all answer to anyone who would dare to question their own anger. Righteous anger, we call it. 

The problem is that most of the time Jesus Christ was not to be found in the temples with the high and mighty self-serving Pharisees. He was found in the thick of it with people! God was out in the world with the average person. More than that, He was with people that 'better' society rejected reaching, drawing, teaching, exhorting, encouraging, welcoming... you find Christ the man with his arms out all through the NT! We in the IFB have lost the draw! We don't yearn for the souls zealously. We do not put our time and effort into people we deem 'unworthy'. "Such were some of ye!", but we forget! 

I weep with joy, I tremble all over when I think of the earthly example of God the man! We preach Christ like the wrath of God the father is all there is to Him. We talk about grace, but not in a very real way. We talk about grace in the past tense! God showed us grace... why yes! Yes He did! We don't talk so much about the fact that He is STILL merciful and STILL shows grace. Why not? We are afraid that people will take advantage of His grace and live an unchanged life. This death grip on the need for lifestyle changes can easily lead us to withhold grace from one another. If a brother or sister has different standards than us, we see this as an example (or fruit) of them backsliding. 

We are missing out on SO much when we reject the example of Christ Himself for the hard core following of the OT laws! He LOVES us! God LOVES us, but we are afraid to say so for fear of being seen as a too-liberal Christian. I will say again that not every person is like this. In fact, I know more good churches than bad. The stirring and reviving of hearts IS happening. The world doesn't know it, and so they judge us for our predecessors. That is okay, though. They do not know better. We are changing, and in time it will be evident.    

Lord, help us! Help us as our generation seeks you! Help us to be lead, challenged, and discipled by older generations. Help them not to be upset and feel threatened by our search for Christ - for the true Christ! Open our hearts to your truth! Open our arms to the lost, and oh, oh Lord, open our arms to each other! :') Help us to bear one another's burdens, not BE one another's burdens. 

Depression is NOT a Sin

Severe Depression Hidden Beneath a Smile

I was raised in a world where religion conflicts with the general consensus of society. 

Please understand, this statement is NOT to bash or undermine the value of spirituality in one's life. Rather, it is more a statement of the obvious. Religion and the world at large tend to clash. 

Sometimes that clash comes in the form of a lack of understanding about certain issues. At the time, depression was one of those issues. I do not remember anyone directly stating  that depression is a sin, but the idea I left childhood with was that it was. I believed that depression is a trick of the devil, and is something a 'good' Christian would not allow themselves to experience. The idea that somehow having enough of the Word of God in your heart would hold depression at bay. 

Then it happened. My husband and I moved. Someone in a position of authority over us was wreaking havoc in our personal life. Our daughter was born in such a horrific and traumatic way that I had never even heard of the possibility of a birth going so wrong. We moved away from the place of pain, and spent nine months living with different family members. It. Was. All. Too. Much. 

I was already in denial and avoiding the reality of depression and PTSD after my birth trauma. The denial lasted for about a year. By the time the two year mark rolled around, I was increasingly overwhelmed with both, but had such intense shame that I remained untreated. The people in my 'religious' world were oblivious to my pain. Two ladies from religions very different than my own randomly and briefly entered my life. Both of them saw it, and both of them caused me to break down and cry. It was almost another full year (3 years in, if you are counting) after that before I went to see a doctor. I knew I was depressed, but I was hoping not to be told that. The answer came back swiftly. The chemicals in my brain were imbalanced, and I had full blown MDD and anxiety. The doctor put me on Cymbalta, and I - so desperate for help - was too afraid to take it. 

Acknowledging what I resisted for so long opened the flood gates. I quit going out. I quit seeing people. I mechanically went through the motions of being a mother - something I had SO coveted after infertility and loss. I felt so cheated that this thing I wanted most in the world had brought me so much mental torture and pain. I felt guilty that I had not 'given' my sweet and happy daughter the perfect entrance into the world she so deserved; guilty that her birth was literally the worst day of my life instead of the best. 

I desperately hid my suicidal misery from everyone I could think of, for fear of being judged a weak Christian. The truth is that I have never sought God more fervently in my life. Reading Scripture filled as much of my spare time as possible. Prayer was a continuous inward cry of God, PLEASE HELP!! It was vital to my life in a way it hasn't been before, but even then I could not pray the depression away. It was NOT a demonic problem. It was a physical problem. My husband and doctor would convince me to get on my medication, and then I would confide in someone who would say "If it were me, I would not take it." so I would quit cold turkey, and become suicidal all over again. 

Let me make this clear to everyone who says that suicide is a choice. It is ONLY a choice in the barest possible sense of the word. Lynn Wells, person,  would NEVER in a million years take her life. Lynn Wells, sufferer of depression, believed that the world was better off without her... that someone could be a better mother to her child, a better wife to her husband, a better friend to her friends. The list goes on. Depression cripples you. It lies to you. It changes you. Suicide is never the rational choice, but depression isn't rational. It just isn't.

Thank the Lord, my pastor stepped up to bat for me. He explained to me that there are some outdated ideas about depression - not just in religious circles, but in the world at large. He explained to me that we are now aware that depression IS an illness. It is something that often (as in my case) is determined by chemicals in the body. He, along with three other people I love tremendously (one being my husband) became my core support, and made me understand that it was OKAY that I was sick. I timidly allowed a few more people to know what I was going through on a lesser level. To my shock, in a time when I initially felt that I was letting down everyone and could trust no one, I found myself graced and braced with a support system. 

About ten months after I was prescribed medication, I weaned off of it. I had prayed non-stop that the medicine would make me sick as it worked so I would know when to step down. It began making me ill about six months in, I think, and the doctor reduced my dose. When it made me sick again later on, I was able to come off of it. I could laugh again. I could smile without forcing it. I felt weak and vulnerable, but I was clearly recovering. People began to tell me "You sound so good!" instead of asking "Are you okay?" :)

Something important happened during that better part of a year when I was receiving help and treatment. I finally came out of my denial and acknowledged the pain I had been going through the past three years. I grieved over my birth experience. I grieved over the person who had nearly brought ruin to my marriage (not a female... nothing like that). I grieved over the friend who walked away from me when I needed a friend the most. I grieved, and grieved, and grieved, and at the end of that grief I rediscovered joy and peace. 

Could I have prayed away the depression? No. It was chemical. It required medication. Did I 'choose' to be depressed? No. NOBODY in the world wants to feel that. If you've been sad and figure you therefore understand true depression, I promise you that you do not. I still get sad sometimes. I still get the blues sometimes. Winter scares me to this day because I am most likely to develop days and days in a row of sadness. None of these things is the same as true depression. I hope to never experience it again, but I am glad that I am aware now that it exists. I am able to extend understanding and grace to those suffering, where before I could only do what essentially boiled down to praying for them to fix themselves. I am deeply ashamed of that.

I know this has been a long blog, but it bears repeating. I am NOT speaking out against religion. I am NOT saying that Christians are bad people who don't get it. Why? Because I was young and ignorant when I had those views, and since I have been through it myself, my eyes have been opened to an entire world of other Christians who have also been through it. We DO cling to our Lord and Savior when we are despairing. We DO look to His Word for comfort, and comfort may be found. I had a very young and arrogant view of life, but that has changed now. 

If, somehow, you find yourself among the small fraction of people left who think depression is a sin, please reconsider. 

Depression is not a sin. It is not a demonic possession or oppression. It is not a choice that any person would make for himself. Depression is serious, and when believers turn their back on one another (again, the few that do - I am in no way indicting everyone), then they ARE sinning. 

We are called to "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;". (Romans 12:10) Yes, there are verses about reproving, rebuking, and exhorting (2 Tim 4:2) and a verse stating "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Prov 27:6), but those verses would be grossly misapplied in this situation. An uncaring person focuses solely on reproving, rebuking, and wounding but ignores the edifying, affection, brotherly love, honor or the many, many commands the Lord has given to treat one another with love, compassion, and grace. 

In this time of renewed national attention on depression, may we Christians not brush it off as a 'worldly' problem or as a symptom of failing faith. Let us discover those in the church pews who are suffering, and wrap ourselves around them in support. When people fall ill or are struck with tragedy, we step up for them. When that tragedy or illness leads to depression, let us not back away. God forbid we should be condemning, but instead be stabilizing, supportive, and renewing. These are true hallmarks of Christianity.