Faith Like Dad's

I keep remembering as we walk through this valley of the shadow of death that my dad left us a legacy and his testimony. We can say forever that he spoke of God's redeeming love, that he saturated himself in Scripture, that he hid God's word in his heart and meditated on it right to the very end. 

In a world where God is mocked as a fairy tale or a crutch, I have seen Him carry a man into unconditional love. I have seen faith carry a man with grace and dignity to his grave. I know faith.

Religion seems so ugly these days. People are so hot from all different walks of faith that religion on the whole seems like an unnecessary load of hatred. Who could possibly want that? But when you look at people for whom it was a personal relationship, like my dad, you can understand what it is *supposed* to be. 

My dad never wavered in his faith or his beliefs for a moment. His doctrine remained fixed to the end. He spent years behind the pulpit and could preach a hellfire and damnation sermon with the best. Yet, by and large, people remember him as a man who was always willing to help and who always had a smile and a positive attitude... a gentle giant to the end. His love spoke volumes louder than any sermon he ever preached. 

This year was the first birthday in my entire life without his birthday greetings and booming "and many more" at the end of the song, Happy Birthday. That was incredibly hard. I will never again have my beautiful, strong dad on this earth. I miss his laughter in a way that aches so that I fear I may never be able to breathe correctly again. However, I *do* have his testimony. I *do* have his story. I will shout it and I will share it, every chance that I get.

Faith matters because in the end it is about you and God, one on one. Who cares what the religions of the world look like, if we miss that fundamental truth? Faith is what sustains you and brings you peace when you go through horrifying things like he did. ALS is an ugly way to die. It is horrific from start to finish. How could he get through that with grace and dignity? And yet, he did. These bibles show the years of time and use he put into reading and studying Scripture. They are evidence of how important his God and his faith were in his life. Faith may not matter to the mocker but it is everything to some.

We may not see God anywhere in the masses of people arguing online but I tell you, I saw God in the room with my dad all day every day, just as He was visible during other intense trying times in our lives. *That* is what it all comes down to. Faith is nothing at all, if it is not personal.

*Photo credits to my sister, Yaya. <3 

He's Still My Hero

This past weekend, I got to visit my parents again. This was my first visit with them since my dad came home from the hospital on Hospice care. To be honest, I have been so wrapped up in trying to preplan for 'that time', that I had not taken the time to step outside of my 'impending death' fraught life. The sudden loss of our beloved patriarch on the other side of our family compounded that. Everything felt whelmed with the waves of death. :'(

People would talk about praying in faith for healing and I heartily agreed. I also heartily disagreed. It is sometimes harder to talk about praying for healing when all signs point to the grave. We have to grieve a bit before we can wrap our minds around our own smallness in this vast universe.

My dad is very determined that we are to pray for his healing. I really wanted to be fully committed to that, too... but how?

It turns out that our visit was exactly what we needed! For one, this time around he wasn't near death in the way that he was the last two times I saw him. This man was my dad!! :) He was my dad in a bed that was in his own home! :) Now, it *is* somewhat sad to see your dad in a hospital bed in his own home. I'll give you that. Still, this man was wide awake! His eyes were truly open! His voice has gone, but he can whisper! :) 

Oh, but he is such a beautiful man! Here is the face that I have cherished since I first opened my eyes in this world! Here are the deep brown eyes which have so carefully followed my life. Here are the big hands, which still love to hold my own. Here is the beautiful hoary head we love to kiss and nuzzle. Mom had lowered the bed rail so I was able to lean over and love on him a bit. Hubs and the girls took turns, too. :) 

This was *exactly* what my heart needed! Not only was I able to see my dad alive and as well as I'd seen him in two weeks; I was able to see the sheer, raw FAITH of a spiritual giant! :) 

If you have been reading these novels that I have dared to call blogs, you will know that my worst suffering has been over the crippling state of my dad. This man, however, was not suffering! He has been soaking himself in Scripture! He listens to it and watches it many hours a day. He is wholly meditating on the Word of God. He has been prayed with by so many people, on top of already spending much of his own time in prayer.

Friends, he looks SO peaceful! He speaks (well, whispers) SO much about his trust in the Lord! He looks to heaven and prays with clear expectations! :) His appetite has come back. It is small but it is there! His body tone seems to be improving in areas! He can whisper complete sentences, where he *was* down to a slurred word here and there. I am watching his faith rebuild him from the inside out!! 

Yes, he is still almost completely trapped inside his own body. That is always painful to see. It is heartbreaking, really. For some reason, though, his enormous faith and spirit overcome the physical obstacles and you can still see *him* very clearly, in spite of his body and circumstances. He is there! <3 <3  

There are not a whole lot of things I know for a certain in this world. This one thing I know for sure, though. My dad always has been and always will be a spiritual leader. I have so much to continue learning from him. He has not given up his faith, in any measure. He has not given up his fight! 

Things looked SO bleak before. We were all slowly grieving our way to the end of this hideous battle with ALS. It isn't that way now. Now we are trusting, praying, calling upon God to fulfill His promises. Now, we are *living* again! We are committing this man to LIFE in the name of Jesus! :) :) :) 

God Almighty has the final say in things. He knows how best to use my dad's life to His glory. He alone decides the number of my dad's days. Doctors do not decide this. GOD decides this. We trust Him implicitly to know that number. In the meantime, we are rejoicing through every day that we have this beautiful man to look up to. What a marvelous thing to know that he is resting and trusting, rather than suffering. What a glorious example of the peace which passes understanding! I continue to be floored by the giant who is my dad. <3 



We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my parents' behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media. :) Thank you!

The Good With the Bad

I realize that my posts of late have been themed a lot toward my dad and what he and my family are going through on our new journey into life with ALS. I cannot help that, so much. It is constantly on my mind. I know that they can also be a little bit dark. There are those scary thoughts and emotions tumbling through. I thought today could use a little bit of sunshine, as it were. :) Here is a (maybe short) list of some of the good that has come along with the bad.

1. Love. 
    We have a chance to tell our dad/husband/uncle/brother/son/friend how dearly he is loved in this world. He gets to know that he matters. He gets to know *why* he matters and what a difference he makes in our lives. We get to tell him how much we love him.

2. Goodbye
    We get to tell him goodbye. This is a privilege not everyone gets. By the time his soul leaves his body, we will have told him goodbye in a thousand ways. Sure, we aren't always saying the word. However, I believe in some way that every time we talk to him - no matter how normal the conversation - we are also saying a little piece of our goodbye. 

3. Family
    This kind of experience hits all of us in different ways at different moments. There are stressors like crazy. Through all of it, there is the drawing closer of our already-tightly-knit family. My sisters and mother, who I already love and would kill for, mean the world more to me now than before. I am clamping my heart tightly around each. We are hanging onto one another for dear life.

4. Faith
    I resist the idea that faith is personified in being okay and looking okay. I resist the idea that a person's testimony is at risk if they show how vulnerable and aching they are inside. To the contrary, verses through the Bible remind us that He is our strength during our weakness. We are reminded to lean on one another, to bear one another's burden. I do not trust people who put a high value on looking put-together even among their closest friends. These are not honest people. I hurt for them, closing themselves off from comfort. My faith is a rock, an anchor, a grounding point in a rough time. When I am not calm, my father is with me. This experience challenges and cements that faith in ways other points in my life have not. 

5. Friends
    Grief is awkward. It is awkward during and after any traumatic event. Grief will bring friends closer or drive them away. People contact you to tell you that you are loved or thought of. They come out of nowhere to support you. Going through this experience feels very isolating sometimes, it is true, but it also reminds us that we are not truly alone. There are people out there who care.

6. Prayer
    As if life itself wasn't hard enough to keep a person on their knees, along comes ALS. There is no specific way to pray. Sometimes you can only say a word ("Help!). Other times, my heart comes tumbling out in a million words and thoughts. Prayer is good for the soul. Prayer comforts. Prayer calms. Prayer breathes when the soul is suffocating. 

7. Children
    My babies have been precious beyond words from the years I lived before they ever came along. They are infinitely more precious to me now. I am determined to begin to take care of myself for their sakes. 

8. Health
    Number seven brought me to this one. This experience is teaching me that we don't always end up with expected illnesses. How careless I have been to allow my body to become so unhealthy. It truly does affect them. Pray me some strength on that one, because this is a struggle I've had now for years. 

9. Memories
    Living with such a harsh reality makes the memories we have already made with my dad, my parents, and my family as a whole so much sweeter. It makes each new memory that much more invaluable and coveted.

10. Time
      You've heard all of the cliches about time before. You already know that it is precious. Time right now is at a premium and we are all so very aware of it. It is a highly-valued currency more precious than gold. May we spend it wisely.

Anyway, that is all I have right this minute. I know there are more, but I really do have to run. This experience is painful on so many levels. Admitting that doesn't mean that I don't see the good. Hurting doesn't indicate a lack of trust or faith. Admitting to the things I fear does not mean that I am not also begging God for His mercy and seeing it where it shows itself. 

We (my family) are leaning heavily on the Lord, each other, friends, and family to get through this thing. It is tragic and beautiful. May we ever draw closer to one another and to God. May He be merciful to us all. May you, reader, see this and understand that we have not given up. <3 

We have started a GoFundMe Campaign on my parents' behalf. Please consider sharing it on social media.

Thoughts on TBI and my Lord

Two years ago today, my sister suffered a traumatic brain injury after falling off of her horse during a ride with our cousins. Last year, with much on my heart, I wrote of my personal faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I am sharing it here in honor of my sister on this day, that could have so easily been even more tragic. 

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Today is a day of wide-ranging mixed emotions in our family. Right this minute a year ago today none of us had any idea that in a few hours we would face the traumatic brain injury of our sweet sister or the possibility that she might not survive the night. We did not know that Farm Girl as we knew her would not be 'with us' again for a long time, or that her experience would be so transformative.

Looking back on that frightening night a year ago we are filled with a sobering joy. Our lives are richer, happier, more blessed with our beloved Farm Girl in them! This day could easily have been one of heartsick remembrance after a year of trying to help mother precious children who were left behind. Instead, it is a day of quiet reflection and tearful joy. Some part of me physically feels the need to rush over [out of state] and grab her up into my arms. I want to give her a squeeze and make sure that she is real!

We would be remiss not to note how this day a year ago was also the start of something else. Prayers literally flooded in from people across the nation and then from different parts of the world, as well. With every new test result, the predictions for her quality of life became direr. The doctors wanted us to know to expect months of ICU, hospitalization, and time in a rehab facility. They warned that people do not typically recover well from such complex brain/skull injuries. At one point, we were even told if she did not recover well enough in the rehab center that she could possibly live out the rest of her days in a nursing home.

God knew better, as His children hit their faces claiming promises of healing, mercy, and grace. Farm Girl did not recover in increments, even though it felt intense and slow at the time. Medically speaking, she recovered in leaps and bounds! We rejoiced as a family and as a Christian community with every improvement she made!

My heart aches within me as I write this, knowing that several other families this year were not so lucky. We have seen recovery happen in some families and shocking sudden loss in others. Still others live with permanent injuries at a much higher scale. I grieve even as I worship the Lord above. Surely His ways are not our own. Surely we cannot understand the thoughts that He thinks or why life happens in one way for some and another way for others.

What we do know about Christ is this: He is necessary to and for life!

Were my sister to spend today with her beloved family or were she to be looking down from Heaven, she would want you to know this. We *all* need a Savior!

The Bible says that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. It says that no man can come to the Father without Him. (John 14:6). It tells us that staying in His Word is essential to living a life of truth, honesty, and above reproach. (Psalm 119:11) It says that we have all sinned (your sin is the same as mine in His eyes) and are in need of a Savior. (Romans 3:23) We are told that this sin comes with a price... death. (Romans 6:23) That is not just the physical death of our body, but also the eternal death of our soul. (Revelation 21:8)

We are told that eternal death in the lake of fire is not necessary! God has a place for the righteous (His blood-covered children) to go! (Matthew 25:26) He said that God Himself has made a way into Heaven! (John 3:16) This way involved allowing His Son, Jesus - who was without sin (1 Peter 1:18,19; 1 Peter 2:2; John 8:29; 1 John 3:5; Luke 1:35; Hebrews 4:15) to take the burden of all of our sins on Himself (2 Corinthians 5:21; Peter 2:24) Do you understand this? God took ALL of the sins you and I would ever commit to the cross with Him! (Isaiah 53:5) We are told that He took the keys of death and hell (Revelations 1:18)! Death no longer has power over us (1 Corinthians 15:55) even though we all will eventually die (Heb 9:27).

We can be good people by the world's standards our entire lives and yet still be accountable to God for our sin. (Romans 5:12) This is why Christianity - while we do try - is not about 'being good'. Simply having good works cannot bring us to God. (Isaiah 64:6; Ephesians 2:8,9) We are told that salvation comes by grace alone through faith alone (Ephesians 2:8a... For by grace are ye saved through faith;) with Christ alone (Ephesians 2:8b,9... and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God).

We are told that if we:

 

1. Believe and confess that Jesus is the Christ, the sinless (Hebrews 4:15) Son of God (John 1:14; 1 John 4:15; John 10:30; 1 Corinthians 8:6;) 

2. Acknowledge that we are sinners whose sin comes at the price of death. (Romans 6:23; James 1:15)

3. Confess those sins to the Lord (1 John 1:9, John 2:2) 

4. Repent of your sin - - which means stopping/turning away from them (Acts 2:39; Acts 3:19; Luke 3:13; Acts 17:30; 2 Peter 3:9)

5. That we will be a new creation, an accepted child of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

We would direct your heart towards prayer to make your confession and repentance to the Lord. This looks different in every person but involves the steps listed above. Often a person will ask the Lord to cleanse their heart and to save them from their sin. These prayers are very personal. It is more than just speaking a set paragraph of words. It is truly talking directly to God Himself (Romans 8:26) about where you are and where you want to be in Him as His child.

Life changes after salvation. (Colossians 3:1) Christianity (the desire to be like Christ and live for Him) is a process of sanctification whereby we spend time in our Bibles and in prayer in effort to draw closer to Him and to discover what He wants in our lives. (Isaiah 60:4) It is a living, breathing relationship we invest time in. Often, a new believer will find a church family to help them learn and grow in their faith. Our family believes in baptism (Romans 6:4; Colossians 2:12; ) as a visible testimony to the world that we have chosen this new identity in life as a child of God.

If you have read through this today and have questions about discovering a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, please feel free to contact any one of us at any time. There is such joy to be found in knowing the Lord. There is peace for times both good and bad, comfort for pain, outreached arms for sorrow, and otherwise a Friend who will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

If you have read this today and realize that some of the joy of the Lord has faded away as the cares of life have driven you away from the Lord, please feel free to reach out for prayer. Surely our God would have us to care for, encourage, and restore one another for His glory. I guarantee you will find prayer support and friendship in us and in Him.

One year ago today tragedy struck our family. God meant it for good. May this date always be used for His glory.