Another Goodbye

I have been trying to figure out how to put this into words. Something happened yesterday which was both expected and an utter shock, all at the same time. :'(

Let me back up just a little bit. We received a phone call just around three o'clock in the morning. You can imagine that it was with no little fear that I startled awake. My first thought these days is, "Oh no! My dad is dead!!" My heart was instantly galloping out of my chest and my arms went weak.

To my surprise, Hubs' mom was on the other end of the phone instead of mine. She apologized for calling so late and then gently broke the news to us that Pappaw had passed away in his sleep shortly before. :'( :'( :'( Grief hit immediately, knowing that I was to break this news to my husband, who lay quietly waiting to know who had called.

Pappaw H was such a beautiful man. When we say in this world that someone is a 'good person', there is an expectation of what that means. To me, this means someone who is kind, generous, community-minded, thoughtful, fun or funny, caring, selfless and a friend to all. Pappaw not only fit all of those adjectives, he embodied each and a plethora more. I have never found and would never find a negative thing to say about him.

I entered his family, a stranger. When that happens, it is sometimes hard to get people to look at you, let alone speak to you. The awkward silence can be deafening. Not so, with Pappaw. I could see instantly that he was exactly like my mother, father, and brother-in-love. He was so welcoming, so rich with personality! He was interested in getting to know me as much as I was him. We had conversations and shared laughter immediately. He ended up being the grandfather in my life who loved me shortest but, in my opinion, dearest. 

Pappaw was safe, too. This is something that may not always be on someone's radar but which is *always* on my personal radar. You never know if someone is going to be safe around your children, especially in this world. Pappaw, like all of the other men in the family, was an incredibly gentle and safe person for my little girls to be around. Oh, how they cherish him! <3 

Pappaw had this sense of humor that never quit. He could always bring a laugh, from the littlest child up through any age. His jokes were often the kind designed to be light, easy and cheesy. My daughter has learned his sense of humor so I get to see him in her on a regular basis. :) :) :) 

Pappaw was also a fascinating man, whose life was rich in experiences that covered the spectrum from painful to great. In his time driving an ambulance and serving with the local fire department (and anyone will tell you, he practically *was* the local fire department, he means so much to his town), he had seen some things which left a mark on him. He told me about this one time, with tears in his eyes. I am sure that accounts for some of the wisdom with which he was so richly blessed. <3 

I will miss this great man. I will forever regret not seeing him more often, not putting more action to the love I felt for him in my heart. He graced this earth for over ninety years. The world has been so much richer for it. I have only been lucky enough to know him for a decade and a half of that. 

It is no stretch to say that he has personally touched, changed, and enriched the lives of far too many people to count. Everyone in his town knows who he is. In fact, the state fair holds roach races every single year; a concept he helped begin! haha He is connected to so many unique and interesting things! His hometown has surrounded him with love for many decades. I sincerely hope that they continue to embrace Mammaw as she moves through life without him. 

Yesterday was rough. In spite of his age and health problems, the loss of Pappaw was a complete shock. This was the first time that I have had to tell my beautiful children that someone dear to them has gone from this earth. It wasn't easy. They are little troopers, though. The last day and a half has been mixed with joy, tears, happy remembrances and more tears. They are made of some really tough stuff, apparently. I suppose this is something that you learn about your children the hard way, isn't it? 

I do not know yet if they are ready to tell him goodbye. My littlest is full of memories but also age-appropriate inappropriate thoughts and expressions. I only say 'inappropriate' because they would be greatly out-of-place blurted out at a viewing or funeral. They are the honest thoughts of a tiny human being. I answer all of her questions fully and gently. 

Right now, she is struggling with the thought that people die. She has been vocally struggling with this ever since visiting her sick Papa in the hospital last week. The idea of life and death are hitting home with her in a somewhat confused way. She questions the absence of absolutely every person now. For instance, last night when she couldn't get her grandparents on the phone, she began to cry and asked me if they had passed away. :'( :'( :'(  I know for a fact that she would not do well when confronted with Pappaw's physical presence but not his life to greet her in return. 

My oldest is also quite deeply affected. I have left the decision up to her about whether or not she is prepared for this last goodbye. I have had to forgo funerals twice in the past (which I so achingly needed to attend) because she had full-blown panic attacks about seeing a non-related loved one in that state. :( Having to go through this with someone she has cherished so dearly from infancy, well... I'm just not sure.

So, I have some hard decisions to make. I am rather desperate to see him and to tell him goodbye myself. Not only is he a very dearly loved member of our family, I will not get this same chance to say goodbye to my father when he passes. The thought of not getting a final chance to show love and respect to this man burns deeply inside of me. :'( :'( :'( 

It is also so important to me to be there for my husband. I cannot stand the thought of him walking through this alone when I should be by his side for support. We have leaned so heavily on one another through so much already.

We will figure this out, though. We will walk through this valley of the shadow of death together. We will hold our children and whisper promises into their hearts that they will be okay even though *this* is not okay. Our world keeps draining the light from our hearts but we are still standing. There will be more light and more darkness. We will keep holding on for dear life.