Untethered

I am wrapping up another year of my life. That isn't something I usually care too much about. In fact, I have a rather disheartening history of bad birthdays. No matter. 

This is the first one I'm facing without any parents left walking this earth.

For whatever reason, I'm finding that increasingly intolerable. By this morning, I'm completely devastated. I can't seem to quit crying. I thought it was horrible after my dad died: unbearable, really, to hear my mom singing "Happy Birthday" all by herself on the other end of the phone. 

This is worse.

As I sit here mulling this over in the silence of my empty house, my mother is a small pile of ashes in the back room of a morgue 450 some-odd miles away. 

Gosh, that's bleak. 

I know.

I know, and I am 100% *not okay*.

So, now what?