A Different Way of Thinking

As my smallest ‘little’ grows and changes into what seems to me to be a very independent little person, I find that I am still getting the feedback that I need to practice having her away from me. It comes harmlessly enough – never rudely – but the underlying message is still the same. She is too dependent on me. It would be good for us both to get away from each other.

I have a thought or two on the matter.

First, although I do not care for labels, one that might be used at the moment for my baby is ‘shy’.

I have not experienced this before, but it is a fact that cannot be denied. She is in full blossom around home and her closest family members. When I babysit, she is in full blossom around her little friends or cousins. She will play in the church nursery around other children, but only after she’s spent the morning service staring quietly out of her big blue eyes, assessing the situation. She will hop down immediately to play in the waiting room at the doctor’s office or any other kid-oriented play space – as long as no non-family adults look at or try to play with her.

Bring other adults into the room that she doesn’t know or hasn’t seen as often, and she stands very still, looking mostly at the floor. In about thirty minutes, sometimes less (depending on the time of day), she warms up a little. She plays around them but not with them. Any bit of communication or eye contact will send her back into her doe-like ‘if I stay still they may not see me’ pose.

I find this endearing!  I know what the onlookers do not: this is not her “normal” disposition. This is her social disposition, but it is not who she is or what her regular personality is.

Mornings are even more quiet and awkward, because she is a night owl and very off-kilter in the a.m. She’ll likely be in the doe pose AND pressed tightly against my legs, holding herself in a quiet defense pose against a too-early world.

But maybe her silence is okay. Maybe, just maybe, it is alright for this to be her tiny way to warm up to and cope in a very big world.

From what the doctor says, and from what I glean in the many parenting materials on the subject, if you take the parenting by instincts approach that we do, she is going to be just fine. The fact that she does warm up is a good thing. She may appear shy for now, yes, but not painfully. 

This warming up process is important to her emotional development and budding sense of security. I am supportive of that. There is no reason to take her to a daycare provider I do not need in a car I do not have and force her to be separate “for her own good”.

While we do live in a generation that sees children as an annoyance that must be scheduled or managed around one’s own life; I have the sense that these children are my gifts and my treasures. I have no need or desire to be away from them on a regular basis. I laugh when I think of how over-cautioned we were about our previously only child. (How I hate that term!)

“Don’t give her the things she wants – you’ll spoil her!”
“Make sure you take her to outside classes and places, or she’ll never have friends!”
“Homeschooling? How is she ever going to learn to be social?”

All of the fears other individuals projected into our home turned out to be unfounded. She is my bright and social butterfly, flitting from person to person. Although she was “stuck with mom” through all the days of her childhood, she doesn’t know a stranger in the world. I find that somewhat terrifying! lol

Living out that experience with her has taught me that I can trust my instincts. Supporting her personality and character as it develops has taught me that most things even out in time. I am not here to micromanage these children to death. (That is hard to remember sometimes!) I am here to nurture their natural abilities and ease them into the world, ready to go.

Say what you will, we are doing the right thing by supporting this baby in becoming comfortable on her own timeline. Albeit quite literally sometimes, I have her back. I always have, and she is already more outgoing than she was a few months ago. She is gaining confidence at her own speed in her own way, with our support. That is ultimately what will give her the security to venture out on her own. I am okay with that. 

 Parenting is just not as by-the-book as it once was. In many cases, the book has been proven wrong. These days, it takes a different way of thinking. Whatever your way is, I am sure it is right for your kids. <3 They were given to you for a reason.