To My Daughters

My Loves, My Princesses… J

            I have decided to cover my bases, as I am generally want to do. I would be remiss not to take another chance to tell you how loved you are, and how you are the light of my life. J

            How does one put all of that into words? How do I tell you at these tender ages something that you will not understand until you have your own children one day? How do I tell you that you are my heart walking around in the flesh, or make you understand the way that my body physically aches to be near you when you are not around? In fact, I physically ache for you even when you *are* near. My heart yearns to wrap you up in the tightest of embraces. I look at your sweet faces while you play, and I miss you so much that it hurts.

            You see, when I watch you going about your day I am not only seeing you in the moment. I am seeing the pink newborn in the hospital. I am seeing the spaghetti-covered infant in her high chair. I am seeing the little girl, so independent, choosing her outfit for the day. I see paint-spattered hands and faces, wearing impossibly wide grins, beaming with pride over a work of art accomplished. I am seeing the young woman in love with that special someone. I am seeing the new mother holding my first grandchildren. I am seeing the woman you will be at the middle of her life, watching her own kids grow. I am seeing you gray at the temples, looking back on a life which has – I pray – been lived to the fullest.

            My darlings, you are my every breath. We live in a world that has down-graded motherhood to something that only weak women do if they do not have the brains or the strength to go out into the world to be all that a man can be. This could not be farther from the truth. Motherhood is still important. It is still necessary. It is still the means by which life continues on this planet.

I do not consider raising you to be my sacrifice. I do not consider you to be my un-paid job. I do not need you to be measured and assessed and found to be extraordinary to affirm to me my own self-worth in this world. I gave birth to you and I choose to devote myself full-time to motherhood because you are where my heart is. I am keenly aware of the passing of time. I bear the weight of realization that you are only with me for a small fraction of this life. I want to spend that fraction *with* you.

I adore watching you grow. My heart surges in the rhythmic waves of the ocean with love too deep to be measured. This love is unconditional. Sometimes that is hard to express because a mother is also set on this earth to provide boundaries of safety for her children. I am to show you the ropes of life in the best way I know how. I am also very human and very flawed, so sometimes that unconditional love can look a little messy. I assure you, it is there. <3 Whatever you do in life, wherever you go, whatever paths you walk… I will love you breathlessly and forever.

I took vows with your father on the day that we were married, in front of God, family, and friends. I held his hands, gazed into his eyes, and spoke traditional words to him from my heart. I made vows to you too, though: the unseen, unheard vows of a mother’s heart to her child. I made silent promises about you long before you were born. I spoke vows to God in the naiveté of a young woman, unmarried and hopeful for the future.

I spoke vows again when your father and I discussed the possibility of having children and how we wanted to raise you. I spoke more vows into the shattering silence every time one of your siblings was lost to us, and the ache shuddered through my being like so many crevices in the ground after an earthquake.

More vows, sacred vows, released from my heart in unseen waves of aching love when I saw the pregnancy test showed positively that you were on your way. I sent thoughts of love and made an unending list of vows to you all through each of pregnancy. I made vows to you in the N.I.C.U. of the children’s hospital (Giraffe) and in the suite at St. Francis (Koala), as I held you and looked into your faces with a mixture of grief and love.

Every time I believe that I have failed you in some way, my resolve grows and I make yet more vows… my dears, I live to do better, be better, try harder in all things for you. I think this process begins for every mother and never ends. I imagine I will find myself making vows to your future partners in life, and to your children. A mother is never done making promises and trying to live up to them.

So, perhaps the world looks at motherhood and sees a woman who does not have the self-worth to go forward and make a difference. I look at motherhood and see just a small amount of time to make little humans feel loved in such a way that will carry them into their own lives with confidence. I see a way to make a guaranteed difference. My mother gave this gift to me, and I am trying to give it to you. J

Be strong, my beloved ones. Be gentle to those around you. Be kind to every person you meet. Reward kindness with unconditional love, and battle hatred even harder with the same. Find your path in life, and know that you are supported. Search out with your hearts what the Lord has for you. Do not allow the world to tell you that faith is a small box in which to live. The truth is that faith is ever-growing, ever-expanding, ever-loving, and will continue to grow your heart and life into a rich and full place.

Ah, my angels. You are such a gift to this world. I know that, because you have already been such a gift to me. J I am so excited to get this surgery over with and bring you back home into my outstretched arms. We have a school year to finish, we have a house to spring clean, we have seeds to get started and to soak in love while we wait for spring and the chance to plant. There are crafts to be crafted, games to be played, imaginations to be exercised, stories to write and tell, movies to watch, and best of all there is so much love, joy, and laughter to be shared.

Never doubt my love for you, my girls. Never doubt that in all the world, nobody will love you as deeply or with as much abandon as your mother. Never doubt that you special. You are precious. You are loved. You are worthy. You do not have to say, do, or be anything at all other than what you are. You are whole persons, worthy of respect. Please respect yourselves. Protect yourselves. Face the world before you with bravery and a sense of wonder and purpose. It is yours to have, yours to protect, yours to enjoy, yours to change.

Conquer the world, my loves. <3