What the Childless Woman Knows

This morning in a blog, I told my daughters that they will not understand exactly how I feel about them until they have their own children. This is true, and yet... well... frankly, I remember something about being childless. I remember what I thought and felt. I remember something that sometimes we physical mothers forget. 

I was already a mother. 

Oh, the booties were not yet purchased. The crib existed in my heart and not my home. The little symbols of hope were tucked in a closet out of sight, but my heart was already there. My heart was already full. My body felt empty and barren... it felt like a traitor, especially once it began to discard the children I so desperately wanted... but my heart was pregnant, heavy-laden with the children I could not bring forth. 

I knew what all would-be mothers already know.

I already knew the aching love I would have for my children, because it existed where they did not. 

I already knew the wild abandon with which I would throw myself into caring for them, even though they were not here. 

I already knew how careful, watchful, and protective I would be of them because I was already desperate that this world should not hurt them. 

I already knew... so much. 

The childless woman knows what it feels like to be a mother. She just has not been able to show that knowledge or manifest the actions of motherhood. It is cruel, painful, and unfair. The childless woman is a mother. She is the unseen, forgotten mother who finds herself on the fringe - left out by mothers who were blessed enough to bring their children into the world. We don't mean to leave out these unseen mothers. We do not mean to render their opinions invalid. The truth is, no two of us agree on child-rearing at every turn as it is. 

The woman who would be mom maybe doesn't understand how *your* children work, but she does understand what it means to be a mother. She knows this because her mother's heart is fully developed and has been there all along. 

I haven't forgotten this.

I don't think that I will ever forget this.