I would just like to put it out there that 'the new normal' sucks. That is to say, life since my dad died, is so incredibly painful. Don't get me wrong. I knew that it would be. I suppose I just expected that, once the funeral was over and my mother was moved, I would settle into what used to be my 'normal' life plus some pain. I also took heart in the fact that it does ease with time.
The thing is, time is relevant. It certainly wouldn't ease right away... I knew that. I figured that being able to do our daily life things would, itself, be a great comfort. It simply hasn't. So far, time is increasing my pain, not lessening it. Each day, I wake up one day farther away from having a dad. That cuts like a knife. All of the breath in my body escapes me. I either wake up incredibly hurt or somewhat cranky. :(
Anyway, time *will* eventually help. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how to cope with the fact that I keep waking up fatherless. My memories feed on Facebook keeps offering up his beautiful face or comments he's made on past posts. That serves to make me feel better and worse, simultaneously.
Gardening, my life's passion in some ways, hurts like the dickens. Last year was the best year I ever had with my dad. I finally had grown a garden large enough for him to harvest from. The previous two were small but we shared. Last summer, however, my Dad would walk along my garden commenting on the plants, offering advice, and harvesting fresh veggies to take home to my mom. It was the epitome of what life was *supposed* to be like! I had done him proud and I got so much more extra time with him than I ever had before.
Even at the beginning of the year, when life was horrific and painful, he was there. I was in and out of the hospital for months that seemed endless: Dad showed up to be with me and to pray with me. He offered me comfort that my own pastor couldn't. He saw how raw and traumatized I was.
Yes, 2016 was the year from hell in a lot of ways. Looking back, I recognize that it was also a beautiful gift from God. He loaded me up on love, support, and the presence of my dad. I didn't go into his death lamenting that I saw him only once or twice the year before (as in previous years). I *do* lament that I did not get to see him awake and alive more *this* year. :/ Last year, though... last year will have to hold me until I see him again in Heaven.
God is good, friends. Even when life is too hard, even when there seems no earthly reason to believe it; God is good. The simple truth is that we don't know his plans or his ways. We don't know the big picture. I do know one thing from experience, though. Suffering in our own lives brings us closer to other people. It deepens our compassion and our ability to understand one another on a human level.
Watching my dad die after suffering for months on end has made me reevaluate my faith in the afterlife. I've come out surer than ever before. I *will* see this beloved man again. I *will* get to embrace him on the other side. He has gone before us and will be there when I arrive. In the meantime, I will continue to cherish his face and his memory. I cannot believe that my dad is just a memory. :'( Even so, I will continue to look forward and to move forward... even though it is excruciating to do so right now.
The thing is, time is relevant. It certainly wouldn't ease right away... I knew that. I figured that being able to do our daily life things would, itself, be a great comfort. It simply hasn't. So far, time is increasing my pain, not lessening it. Each day, I wake up one day farther away from having a dad. That cuts like a knife. All of the breath in my body escapes me. I either wake up incredibly hurt or somewhat cranky. :(
Anyway, time *will* eventually help. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how to cope with the fact that I keep waking up fatherless. My memories feed on Facebook keeps offering up his beautiful face or comments he's made on past posts. That serves to make me feel better and worse, simultaneously.
Gardening, my life's passion in some ways, hurts like the dickens. Last year was the best year I ever had with my dad. I finally had grown a garden large enough for him to harvest from. The previous two were small but we shared. Last summer, however, my Dad would walk along my garden commenting on the plants, offering advice, and harvesting fresh veggies to take home to my mom. It was the epitome of what life was *supposed* to be like! I had done him proud and I got so much more extra time with him than I ever had before.
Even at the beginning of the year, when life was horrific and painful, he was there. I was in and out of the hospital for months that seemed endless: Dad showed up to be with me and to pray with me. He offered me comfort that my own pastor couldn't. He saw how raw and traumatized I was.
Yes, 2016 was the year from hell in a lot of ways. Looking back, I recognize that it was also a beautiful gift from God. He loaded me up on love, support, and the presence of my dad. I didn't go into his death lamenting that I saw him only once or twice the year before (as in previous years). I *do* lament that I did not get to see him awake and alive more *this* year. :/ Last year, though... last year will have to hold me until I see him again in Heaven.
God is good, friends. Even when life is too hard, even when there seems no earthly reason to believe it; God is good. The simple truth is that we don't know his plans or his ways. We don't know the big picture. I do know one thing from experience, though. Suffering in our own lives brings us closer to other people. It deepens our compassion and our ability to understand one another on a human level.
Watching my dad die after suffering for months on end has made me reevaluate my faith in the afterlife. I've come out surer than ever before. I *will* see this beloved man again. I *will* get to embrace him on the other side. He has gone before us and will be there when I arrive. In the meantime, I will continue to cherish his face and his memory. I cannot believe that my dad is just a memory. :'( Even so, I will continue to look forward and to move forward... even though it is excruciating to do so right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please Share Your Thoughts Here