The Christmas Story

Every Christmas Eve of my childhood as far back as I can remember, my dad would open the Word and read the Christmas story to us from that beloved old passage, Luke 2.

My mom always had candles everywhere - different, beautiful pieces (nativities, candelabras, sleighs, for example) - so the two main rooms were aglow with soft, flickering candlelight accented by the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. The smell of cinnamon rolls rising in the kitchen wafted through the house. We would listen to Dad read Scripture with familiar, cherished cadence as we sat around him in a circle. Candlelight cocoa and cookies followed, fresh from the dozens we'd made with Mom to enjoy and to share with many people.

These Christmases will always be a treasured part of our beautiful childhood. I got to relive this with my children in 2014 when my parents stayed over Christmas Eve into Christmas Day. I'm so blessed that my children get to share this memory.

Yesterday, my dad read to us again. He had some difficulties, which broke our hearts. Still, even that could not take away the sweetness of what has been a lifetime of this man leading his family in God's Word. Yes, we've grown and changed - sometimes a lot. Even so, we still seek the Babe who came so very many years ago. <3 

<3

Thank you, Dad, for always reading the Christmas story. Thank you, for passing along sustaining faith. Thank you for being the strongest man I have ever met, in years past and still today. I love you forever. I love you for always. As long as I'm living, my Daddy you'll be. :')

December 15, 2016 (posted later)

I am trying to figure out how to word this carefully. My dad had more testing done today, which yielded more bad news. Please bear in mind that - even though we know he has a motor neuron disease - this is still quite a lengthy process of confirming it to be ALS. This is why we only know things in pieces. We are learning as we go. I hope that makes sense.

Today's test was a video swallowing test. This means that they squished dad into a space between plates so that the specialist could take images of how his body works during the swallowing process. They tried out various liquids at various thicknesses. The results, while we expected them to be 'off', were better described as devastating to us.

They found that he already has significant impairment/swallowing difficulties. Instead of waiting for worse to come, he is already being put on a pureed foods restriction. He can have liquids, but they need to be thickened. If this does not help him to stop coughing, they are going to have to put him on a feeding tube. :'( :'( :'( They believe that decreased airway protection is mostly likely the epiglottis failing to close properly. Again, this goes back to nerve death. :'(

The problem is that food (even pureed, but we hope and pray not) can go down the 'wrong pipe' so-to-speak. This would put it into his lungs. That wouldn't just be bad, it could be catastrophic. They said that pneumonia for someone with ALS can be fatal. We absolutely MUST avoid pneumonia!

We have all noticed that my dad's tongue seems to get heavy in his mouth. He begins to slur his words. His tongue also ripples or 'ticks' on its own accord when he sticks it out. This is one more characteristic which makes ALS likely. He is having enough trouble that they want him to see a speech therapist. Going out to the hospital to see one would be another exhausting endeavour and, frankly, too hard on him. We are praying that they can find someone to come to the house to work with him.

Anyway, that is the gist of today's news. My dad's rapid decline continues. :'( It is going farther, faster than we ever imagined. Mom is an absolute rock, getting him to as many appointments as they can give her as quickly as possible. The official diagnosis is important because it will inform the team of doctors how best to move forward with his care. For ALS and any other MND, quality of life is the big focus.

We are all in a completely new and foreign phase of life, with my parents (and especially dad) at the epicenter. We are learning about the next steps, even while my mom is focusing on one day at a time.
My dad is going to need so much care. We are all here for them as much as possible, of course.

Please keep them covered in your prayers as often as possible. We are asking and praying for God's mercy and strength. We never thought at Thanksgiving that we would already be discussing feeding tubes and end of life care. God help us. :'( He is good in all phases of Life. May the Lord be praised.

"But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, 

that I may declare all thy works."  Psalm 73:28

MND - Motor Neuron Disease and My Dad (Dec 15, 2016)

****I posted this to FB on December 15th, hours before learning more about my dad's condition. I was told to write down what we are going through. I had done some already, so these first several posts are from that. By the time I posted this, it had become clear to me that people understood that "something" was wrong with my dad, but not "what". Indeed, the information we pass along is fragmented, because we are, ourselves, learning as we go. As of this day, we knew that my dad had an MND... a motor neuron disease. This was how I expressed that to friends and family.****

December 15th:

It is sometimes hard to explain what an MND is in simple terms. Days like today, I am too emotional to put it all into words anyway. So, if you find yourself wondering what is happening to my dad, think about Stephen Hawking. *That* is what is happening. It is a disease affecting specifically the motor nerves. Whether or not it is specifically determined to be ALS, *that* is what is happening in his body. It is closing in on him. This is why his body is 'stopping' on itself, even though he is fully mentally capable and will remain so. 

MND's are progressive and incurable. Eventually, his lungs will quit breathing. This is not me being pessimistic. This is fact. He already struggles with breathing now, which is one more reason we are all so affected and scared. The thing is, my dad doesn't have Stephen Hawking money. (ETA: Hawking has a slowly progressing type of ALS which contributes to his shockingly long life. I did not know that at the time of posting this. My apologies.) We are all dedicated to figuring out how to give him the best care we can, though. Count on that. 

God is big. He is mighty. He will see us through. That said, we are going to need all of the love and care we can get - but especially my parents. Don't talk about them: talk *to* them. Show them love and grace, even as you pray for love and grace on their behalf. This is a stressful, exhausting, overwhelming, and lonely time. May the Lord get the glory in all things.

Crochet and Catching Up

Giraffe and I have been busy this fall! :) 

I decided to let her sell her creations to friends again this year. She wanted me to sell mine too, so we collaborated on a Facebook page where we could sell our creations. We finally settled on the name 'Tender Heart Crochet'. :) 

Here is a sampling of what all we've been working on. The categories were for fall, Halloween, and Christmas. :)

Here are some of the fall coasters and items we made. Giraffe did several things in the Haloween theme too, as she thought people might like them. Pictured to the right are her spider and web coasters, stuffed candy corn, and pumpkin necklace.

Autumn Leaves became our best sellers almost overnight.

My littlest began to feel left out if I made too many crochet items without getting around to her. She and I have worked on many little crafts off and on. It is good bonding time and a lot of fun!

Here is one such 'for her' project. It is a simple peppermint on a craft stick with a string attached. It makes a really cute ornament on our Christmas tree! :)

 Tender Heart Crochet moved into the Christmas season with a handful of ornaments. We also added some fun new coasters to the collection. You might remember these from previously in the year. I blogged about them back in June. These are the hot cocoa mug coasters done in autumnal colors.

I also made these tiny little coffee cups. Granna (my mom) said that she would love mugs small enough to fit on her tree, so I came up with this coffee cup version as well as a miniature version of the hot cocoa cups above with whipped cream on the top. I still need to get them over to her as soon as I can! 

 Giraffe made plenty of ornaments, herself! For instance, this cute little set of gingerbread man and woman! :) 

She doesn't really like job she did on the ginger woman but I still think that she is terribly cute!

Then we have one of my personal favorites... the cute little Santa face ornaments! These work up quickly, and are oh, so much fun to make! I especially love his little face! He is just my absolutely favorite! :) I have something like thirteen of these on my own tree!

 I made snowflake dishcloths again this year, adding them to the Tender Heart Crochet site for sale. Last year, I simply made these for gifts. One person threw them straight to the floor and left them there. That kind of hurt, if I'm being honest. At least if I am selling them, I know they are going to people who want and will appreciate them! :)

These Christmas ornament coasters are another favorite of mine, along with the hot cocoa mug coasters. The original pattern is much too large, in my opinion. I kept this to three rounds of double crochet finished by one really loose round of single crochet (so they wouldn't curl). There is no magic to making them, but they are pretty and fun!

We wrapped up November (I know... I'm going backward now!) with a sweepstake. Giraffe was keen on the idea of making something to give away. She freestyled this little elf and we shared him on Tender Heart Crochet for a few weeks. Eight people entered. She was so excited! We ended up writing the numbers one through eight on small bits of paper, then folding them up and mixing them. The number drawn was 2, so we looked at our original post and notified the second person to comment on it that they had won.

Much to our delight, they have continued to post pictures of this little guy and his merry mischief! :) It has been a real highlight of the season for us. Truthfully, we never thought we would see him again! :) 

So, there you have it... this is what we have been doing this year. :) Our Christmas countdown continues. Only seventeen days left!!

Straw Bale Garden 2016: The Verdict is In!

    Here is a picture of our garden from the beginning of the year. You can see the eight distinct bales in their L-shape layout. This worked out very well for us. The garden looks so small to begin with! This was also our first year using the set up with posts and wire for veggies and fruit to vine on.

   This year our tomatoes were the most noticeable, for sheer volume. We had at least seven different types of tomato growing. From the top of my head there were Early Girl, Brandywine, Red Cherry, Husky, Heirloom, Roma, and Mirabelle Blanche. 

   The only ones we have not tasted yet are the Mirabelle Blanche. I planted those around mid-season. The two plants I have growing are just now producing wee tomatoes where the blossoms twinkled just last week. 

   My personal favorite tomatoes are the acidic Early Girl and the huge, fat, pink Brandywine. The latter makes for an aw-inspiring tomato sandwich or BLT. Slice it thickly enough, and you'll only need one slab of tomato for the entire sandwich. Mmmmmmm...

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You can see that the tomatoes grew quickly, as well as the zucchini and other vegetables. I was sincerely proud of how well our garden grew!

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   Our broccoli tended to bolt a lot this year if we tried to let it get to a decent-sized head. The heat was simply too much. Instead, we harvested it in dozens of smaller florets. It tasted best on vegetable pizza. That was a huge hit, by the way! :) This was the first time I've made it for my children, and they were delighted! I was also delighted, because the flavor took me immediately back to my childhood. :) 

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   As a side note, it is hard to pick a favorite. This year I'd have to say it is a very close race between green pepper and spaghetti squash. 

   The sheer fact that green peppers are in the running is *exactly* why I love gardening SO much! It has the power to take vegetables that I can tolerate in a few dishes and elevate them to a level of pure ecstasy! :) I felt this way about cucumber. Not bad, but not my go-to by any stretch. Yet, since that first year I now grow them obsessively! haha 

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   I planted green peppers began as a way to bring my mother joy. Not kidding. I love my mom oodles and spades, and she loves green peppers. I was determined to grow things she and my dad would use and adore. *Let's call them Preacher and Granna.* :) 

   As it happens, it is very HARD to wait on green peppers to get big enough and full enough! We had so many on our single plant that I occasionally let my girls pick one to throw in our dinner. We were able to send a couple up with Preacher on one of his random stop-in visits, but those weren't completely fully grown either. (Bummer!) 

   We *finally* exercised a little patience and ended up with what were - in my opinion - the fattest, juiciest, most tasty green peppers I've had in my entire life! :) Sadly, our season ended just shy of full when the peppers became too heavy and the plant dropped over the side of the bale. Next year I plan on planting more green peppers and seeing to it that they are properly braced. :) 

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   The carrots were planted too close together. I knew this, but it breaks my heart to thin them out. To sort of 'help' that problem, we began to pick and eat carrots from the garden somewhat early. They were small (even tiny sometimes) but really tasty. The flavor was great! Now I only have a couple of carrots left.

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   The watermelon were slow-growing this year. The vines shot out, but the female flowers were few and far between. The guys who cut our lawn were careful, but have at least twice run over the tips of my watermelon. Plants died each time. *frowns* I ended up with exactly one Allsweet watermelon and one Sugar Baby. Both were incredibly tiny, but flavorful. 

   If I am going to have success with watermelon, I strongly believe I need to be able to plant them on a hill at the back of the property. Previous attempts at this have failed because the soil in our yard is so acidic and nutritionally depleted from years of farming before the land was purchased and made residential. I have been discarding my yearly bales against the back hill every season in hope that the remaining fertilizer and composting straw will bolster the health of the land.

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   The pumpkins did not fare much better, I'm afraid. I planted the Jack O' Lantern and Small Sugar varieties. The lawn guys mowed over the tip of my JOL plant, which killed off some of the vines. Squash borers got into the base and finished off the job. Poo! 

   I do have a few Small Sugar baking pumpkins on the last two vines. One looks especially good, and is ripening as we speak. 

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   Speaking of squash borers, let's get to the ugly part of gardening. I had never had an issue with this particular insect before. I was in for quite a shock this season when my very huge, very hearty zucchini plant suddenly wilted and died! The main stem looked like someone had chewed it into sawdust! Oh, the heartbreak! Giraffe LOVES zucchini, and had been planning on sharing every one she did not eat with our neighbors (A/C guy and family), Preacher, and Granna. She only got to share a handful. We had some truly massive zucchini, too, before that happened. :/ :/ :/ 

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   These evil little demon bugs did not stop with the zucchini. They moved almost immediately to my newly-growing squash plants. (I had to wait for seed to come in the mail for butternut and spaghetti squash). My poor baby butternuts stood no chance whatsoever, out there in a bale by themselves. All of my plants were just in their infancy when the borers got to them. *sniffle* We laid in a second sowing of seeds to no avail.

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   My spaghetti squash was in the same bale with our cantaloupe. This is, I believe, the only reason they fared better. The cantaloupe had been put in weeks earlier than the spaghetti squash, and was already taking over the entire available trellis space. 

   My wee spaghetti squash grew quietly and steadily, intertwined with and protected by the abundant cantaloupe. They continued their journey, growing stronger, thicker, and longer... spreading massive luxurious leaves out across the bales of tomatoes. It was thrilling to watch them curl tendrils around the branches of my tomato plants, holding them captive against the trellis. 

   We have pulled somewhere between seven and a dozen spaghetti squash off of two vines. Oh, they are beautiful! Some are smaller, but others are phenomenal! I'm not sure when I've seen larger! They taste fabulous any way you cook them. My little Giraffe and Koala especially enjoy it with marinara and a bit of cheese. *smacks lips*

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   Let's backtrack and talk about those cantaloupe I mentioned. I full-on HATE cantaloupe. I'm no fan of his green cousin the muskmelon, either. I do not generally care for melons outside of a mere tolerance for watermelon. 

   Giraffe, however, adores cantaloupe! She has asked to grow it every season we've planted a bale garden. I declined because Coffee Guy had not allowed me to experiment with many bales previously. This year I have ample bales. I told Giraffe that if she planted them herself, she could have all the cantaloupe she wanted. :) 

   Her vines - happy little things with quaint yellow flowers - flowered in plenty but struggled to pollinate. Giraffe took charge of the situation, waking in the early morning here and there to pollinate them by hand. This ended up yielding four beautiful cantaloupe! :) They were so ripe and so rich that they fell off of the vine at the slightest touch. This was just in the nick of time, too. The vine suddenly wilted and turned brown. Drat those bugs!

Not one to avoid the fruit of our labor, I made sure to taste them. I still hate the flavor of cantaloupe, but my heart is bursting with love and pride in the motherhood area. ;) 

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Let me see... what are we forgetting? 

~ The several varieties of lettuce and cabbage were all very good, but we finished with those early in the season. 

~ The chives grow well. They are still growing, tucked in under the eight-foot tomato plants down by the naked bases of their stems. I find them too strong for my taste.

~ The spinach went primarily to our Russian Tortoise, Pebbles. (Who, incidentally, escaped and has not been seen in weeks!) She ate it too quickly to share with us. ;)

~ The basil turned out to be an herb that I have no interest in whatsoever. That stuff is STRONG! I will stick to the pre-dried herbs from the market, thank you. It is still growing out there. Now that Pebbles isn't around to eat from it, it is pretty much a useless decoration. I did use some leaves to drive off ants in the kitchen. However, I found a much more effective method for ridding ourselves of them. That is another story, quite hilarious and strange! lol

~ The cilantro, mint, oregano, and red bell peppers were a bust. They did not grow well and I chose not to replace them. After all, the garden was quite full.

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   In all, we've spent every possible moment from the first week that the lettuce really came on tending, harvesting, and eating from our garden. :) Much has been learned in the field of backyard science. I like to think that hands-on work and observation provides an extra boost to our home education efforts. 

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By the end of summer, the garden was completely overgrown. It was like having a wall of green right at the back of the yard! lol My beautiful dad came by often that summer, walking through the garden. He gave me so many tips on how to tend my veggies, complimented those things that were going well, and harvested (while he still could) veggies. I was able to send him home with goodies for he and my mother. It was the most precious time I have ever spent with him. <3

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   Now we are reaching that most gracious time of year, the fall. :) Autumn has always been my favorite of the four seasons.  This will be my thirty-sixth autumnal season, and I find that I am no less enthusiastic about it. :) 

   I thrill at the thought of cooler weather (which we had briefly before the sun decided to have another go round). I physically long for those cool nights of warm clothing with the scent of leaves and the laughter of children in the air. *breathes deeply* Ah yes, I can already summon them to my senses. :) 

   This has been a very hard year in some ways. However rough the cold months of the year may be, my garden has proven itself a sanctuary from spring through fall. It provides a place of intentional calm. My heartbeat slows to the palpable rhythm of this ephemeral nursery. 

   There is something deeply symbiotic about working with nature. The Hawiians might call it "aloha aina": the love of the land. It is good for the soul. Because of that, I can say that this has been a very good summer. May so very many more follow in the years to come. :)

Thoughts on TBI and my Lord

Two years ago today, my sister suffered a traumatic brain injury after falling off of her horse during a ride with our cousins. Last year, with much on my heart, I wrote of my personal faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I am sharing it here in honor of my sister on this day, that could have so easily been even more tragic. 

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Today is a day of wide-ranging mixed emotions in our family. Right this minute a year ago today none of us had any idea that in a few hours we would face the traumatic brain injury of our sweet sister or the possibility that she might not survive the night. We did not know that Farm Girl as we knew her would not be 'with us' again for a long time, or that her experience would be so transformative.

Looking back on that frightening night a year ago we are filled with a sobering joy. Our lives are richer, happier, more blessed with our beloved Farm Girl in them! This day could easily have been one of heartsick remembrance after a year of trying to help mother precious children who were left behind. Instead, it is a day of quiet reflection and tearful joy. Some part of me physically feels the need to rush over [out of state] and grab her up into my arms. I want to give her a squeeze and make sure that she is real!

We would be remiss not to note how this day a year ago was also the start of something else. Prayers literally flooded in from people across the nation and then from different parts of the world, as well. With every new test result, the predictions for her quality of life became direr. The doctors wanted us to know to expect months of ICU, hospitalization, and time in a rehab facility. They warned that people do not typically recover well from such complex brain/skull injuries. At one point, we were even told if she did not recover well enough in the rehab center that she could possibly live out the rest of her days in a nursing home.

God knew better, as His children hit their faces claiming promises of healing, mercy, and grace. Farm Girl did not recover in increments, even though it felt intense and slow at the time. Medically speaking, she recovered in leaps and bounds! We rejoiced as a family and as a Christian community with every improvement she made!

My heart aches within me as I write this, knowing that several other families this year were not so lucky. We have seen recovery happen in some families and shocking sudden loss in others. Still others live with permanent injuries at a much higher scale. I grieve even as I worship the Lord above. Surely His ways are not our own. Surely we cannot understand the thoughts that He thinks or why life happens in one way for some and another way for others.

What we do know about Christ is this: He is necessary to and for life!

Were my sister to spend today with her beloved family or were she to be looking down from Heaven, she would want you to know this. We *all* need a Savior!

The Bible says that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. It says that no man can come to the Father without Him. (John 14:6). It tells us that staying in His Word is essential to living a life of truth, honesty, and above reproach. (Psalm 119:11) It says that we have all sinned (your sin is the same as mine in His eyes) and are in need of a Savior. (Romans 3:23) We are told that this sin comes with a price... death. (Romans 6:23) That is not just the physical death of our body, but also the eternal death of our soul. (Revelation 21:8)

We are told that eternal death in the lake of fire is not necessary! God has a place for the righteous (His blood-covered children) to go! (Matthew 25:26) He said that God Himself has made a way into Heaven! (John 3:16) This way involved allowing His Son, Jesus - who was without sin (1 Peter 1:18,19; 1 Peter 2:2; John 8:29; 1 John 3:5; Luke 1:35; Hebrews 4:15) to take the burden of all of our sins on Himself (2 Corinthians 5:21; Peter 2:24) Do you understand this? God took ALL of the sins you and I would ever commit to the cross with Him! (Isaiah 53:5) We are told that He took the keys of death and hell (Revelations 1:18)! Death no longer has power over us (1 Corinthians 15:55) even though we all will eventually die (Heb 9:27).

We can be good people by the world's standards our entire lives and yet still be accountable to God for our sin. (Romans 5:12) This is why Christianity - while we do try - is not about 'being good'. Simply having good works cannot bring us to God. (Isaiah 64:6; Ephesians 2:8,9) We are told that salvation comes by grace alone through faith alone (Ephesians 2:8a... For by grace are ye saved through faith;) with Christ alone (Ephesians 2:8b,9... and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God).

We are told that if we:

 

1. Believe and confess that Jesus is the Christ, the sinless (Hebrews 4:15) Son of God (John 1:14; 1 John 4:15; John 10:30; 1 Corinthians 8:6;) 

2. Acknowledge that we are sinners whose sin comes at the price of death. (Romans 6:23; James 1:15)

3. Confess those sins to the Lord (1 John 1:9, John 2:2) 

4. Repent of your sin - - which means stopping/turning away from them (Acts 2:39; Acts 3:19; Luke 3:13; Acts 17:30; 2 Peter 3:9)

5. That we will be a new creation, an accepted child of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

We would direct your heart towards prayer to make your confession and repentance to the Lord. This looks different in every person but involves the steps listed above. Often a person will ask the Lord to cleanse their heart and to save them from their sin. These prayers are very personal. It is more than just speaking a set paragraph of words. It is truly talking directly to God Himself (Romans 8:26) about where you are and where you want to be in Him as His child.

Life changes after salvation. (Colossians 3:1) Christianity (the desire to be like Christ and live for Him) is a process of sanctification whereby we spend time in our Bibles and in prayer in effort to draw closer to Him and to discover what He wants in our lives. (Isaiah 60:4) It is a living, breathing relationship we invest time in. Often, a new believer will find a church family to help them learn and grow in their faith. Our family believes in baptism (Romans 6:4; Colossians 2:12; ) as a visible testimony to the world that we have chosen this new identity in life as a child of God.

If you have read through this today and have questions about discovering a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, please feel free to contact any one of us at any time. There is such joy to be found in knowing the Lord. There is peace for times both good and bad, comfort for pain, outreached arms for sorrow, and otherwise a Friend who will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

If you have read this today and realize that some of the joy of the Lord has faded away as the cares of life have driven you away from the Lord, please feel free to reach out for prayer. Surely our God would have us to care for, encourage, and restore one another for His glory. I guarantee you will find prayer support and friendship in us and in Him.

One year ago today tragedy struck our family. God meant it for good. May this date always be used for His glory.

A Very Long Post About a Very Long Week...

It has been an incredibly long, sad, trying week here in America. I have friends who are hurting about the lives lost to police officers, the lives of officers that were lost, and friends who (like me) are hurting from all of it.

In times like this, it is important for us to open up and continue conversations about race, crime, and justice. It is important that we work out our feelings, and make sure that we are standing in the right place. It is important that we step out of our personal comfort zone and ask ourselves questions, so that we develop a centered, rounded view of the world. More importantly, we must do this so we can then ask ourselves the hard questions that are always on my mind and heart these days: "What can *I* do to help? What change can we bring about?"

I am going to try to organize my thoughts, if I can. There is so much swirling in my head and heart that I was unable to express this past week because the 'e' button on my keyboard wasn't working. Too much to type out on a tablet or phone. Now that I've got a functioning keyboard, I will try to see if I can lay it all out in a way that makes sense. 

• Black Lives Matter... This seems to be a threatening statement to some. The rallying answer back is that all lives matter. That is true, but it indicates that we've missed the point.
  
  
  Black Lives Matter is a cry that there is still injustice in the world. 
  
  Instead of taking it this way, too many people take it as 'you are the cause of injustice'. We blame #blm for causing racial division. It might continue racial division in some cases (such as when it is taken wrong on either side of the issue), but I see it as a stark reminder of racism and division that is already alive and well in our country. It is a reminder that apathy from the majority is allowing injustice to continue.
  
  Please notice that I say 'issue' and 'people'. I do not for one minute believe that this is strictly a racial war or problem. The issue is police brutality. The issue is whether race *does* factor into it, and when. The issue is whether or not people are getting fair treatment. There are persons from all races taking sides on all of these issues. It would be crass to think that only one group of people is affected by any one thing.
  
  The violence we have seen this week affects ALL of us. The dialogue about what happens affects all of us. The consequences, the changes in our society... these things affect ALL of us. It is high time we pull our heads out of the sand and recognize this. I'm so sick of qualifying every single word I say, but you kind of have to. It is too easy to be misunderstood in print.  
  Let me also say that I *am* aware that in some cases, people using the BLM banner are advocating for violence. They do not represent the whole, in the same way that bad police officers do not represent the whole. I do not support violence as a solution, or as a way to gain the right kind of attention. Violence does not justify violence. 

• Statistics... this is another big one, so let's get it out of the way. Statistics show that in 2015 more white men were killed by police than not. This is irrefutable fact. There are real references to this, so feel free to use Google to look that up. Fact admitted, no prejudice here.
  
  Now, let's ask more questions. Does that fact somehow excuse police killings? Does that mean that we should accept every death without question? Does that mean that all police killings get a pass? Absolutely not.
  
  
  I am *not* claiming that white men are never the victim of police brutality. It makes me angry that I even have to say that. Recognizing injustice in one area does not have to equal ignoring it in others. I am not claiming that every person to ever get shot during an encounter with police has deserved it or did not deserve it.
  
  
  However, this still does not negate the fact that police brutality *is* real. It *is* a problem. It *does* exist. The ONLY solution to this is for good officers to call out bad officers. Beyond that, it is the duty of humanity to check into all instances in case of wrongdoing. This is why internal investigation bureaus exist in the first place. Accountability is a good and healthy thing. It is necessary.
  
  By far, there are more good officers than bad. Those officers need to protect themselves and their reputation by actively weeding out corrupt cops. I know that can be hard to do when corruption often goes higher up the ladder, but this is a real problem and needs to be addressed. 
  
  
• Black on black crime rates are higher than white on black... this is another point made as loudly and frequently as possible. It is usually either made as a distraction or a justification of officer killings. 
  
  
  Again, we come back to the question, does that somehow validate police brutality? Does that somehow validate racism where it *does* exist? The answer is a resounding, "NO". You cannot seriously ask this question in support of our police officers because they are sworn to a higher standard. They are not sworn to the level of same-race crime of any race. They are sworn to bring criminals into custody where the law can be spoken over them by a judge and/or jury as often as and if at all possible.
  
  
• Police Brutality... I am posting this for single-minded people who are so vehement in supporting police that they will and do overlook any and all wrong-doing. Please read this very clearly: admitting that there is a problem with police brutality in this country does not mean I do not or cannot fully support my local law enforcement, or honorable officers everywhere.
  
  What it does mean is that our eyes are open. Changes cannot be made without making changes. That almost seems too simple/common sense to even have to verbalize. I love police officers. I want my children to know that they can talk to an officer to ask for help if they need it, and find that help if they need it. I was raised that you support your local authorities. My mom would bake goods and take us to deliver them. My parents taught us to have respect for the law. They taught us that police, fire, EMT... all of these are people worthy of respect and admiration because they put the ultimate treasure on the line for our safety... their lives.
  
  This is why I have said before and will say a thousand times again, weeding out bad officers can only help good officers. It is like churches and priests or other staff members who perpetrate sexual abuse. Hiding the abusers only serves to damage the whole of religion - any religion. Exposing those who are evil and who have ill intent is the ONLY way to save the reputation of the greater majority. We all like the Burke quote, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." That is, we like it until it is pointed in our direction. 
  
  
• He deserved it... I am also very sick of seeing this attitude. It piles up immediately after we learn of another police killing. We've all seen it. Article upon article, reminding you why someone who has been killed ultimately wasn't deserving of the life he lived in the first place. Oh, he had a rap sheet. Oh, he did not comply with officers. Oh, he was committing a crime. I'm going to rub my temples while you read this:

THOUSANDS of people commit crime daily. THOUSANDS, who happen to make it into custody or home safely. Death is not always the fault of the person being arrested. Too many videos of too many deaths raise too many questions for anyone to believe that is 100% true.  

Let's look at Alton Sterling, for example. Police were called to come to the scene because of a gun. Thus, they arrived on heightened alert. I get that. He was tased and wrestled to the ground with two men on top of him. That was hard to watch, but if they were on heightened alert, I can even try to understand that. 

He struggled. I get that, too. It seems like once a black man is on the ground in this country, he is dead. (It may or may not *be* that way, but you have to admit it sure seems that way.) I probably would have struggled too. 

Half of the online mob says he reached for his gun. Half say that he was struggling but had no way to reach for his gun because it was, after all, still holstered, and he did have two men over him. I fall into the latter half because I did not see any attempt for the gun from two angles of the shooting. It seems pretty clear that his arms were already pinned down.

The store owner, who knew him and was watching, did not see that. He *should* be considered a reliable witness. People standing there watching did not see him reach for a gun. What is that thing we pretend we believe in this country? Evidence? Well, from the evidence, it doesn't appear that he'd have been able to reach for his gun.

What I *did* see was someone 'discover' the gun they already knew he was carrying, and that discovery used as an excuse for murder. 

Wait, wait!!! It isn't murder! They were doing their jobs! Again, I beg to differ. 

• Even if you believe that he deserved to be tased and tackled to the ground for not responding in the literal split second they gave him to respond to the command to get down on the ground before the taser went off...
• Even if you believe that he was wildly out of his rights to ask what this was about (which he wasn't)...
• Even if you believe that these officers had his name and his criminal record pulled by the time they arrived on the scene and came ready to disarm a known criminal...
• Even if you believe that the hardly-able-to-move struggling he was doing while being subdued by two men (and completely under one) was enough to endanger them...
• Even if you believe that a man fully straddling/sitting on him left him free enough to grab that gun without them having the ability to control his arm (unlikely)...
• Even if you believe that they were afraid for their lives while visibly in complete control of this entire situation...
• Even if you believe that simply identifying that he had a gun (someone yells "GUN!!") - a fact that they already KNEW when they got there - was a reason to draw their own weapon...
• Even if you think that a gun pointed straight into his heart was not motivation enough...
• Even if you think (my soul in Heaven, HOW could you think this) that shooting him was justified...

HOW COULD YOU EVER THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT MULTIPLE SHOTS FIRED INTO HIS HEART/CHEST AREA AND BACK WERE JUSTIFIED???

Because, see... you can't. Because if witnesses are to be believed, if video is to be believed, if your own eyes are to be believed, Alton Sterling was already subdued. He was already unable to reach his gun. If he *did* reach his gun with his arm pinned against him, he couldn't have unholstered it. If he could have shot it, he'd only have shot himself.

A grown man was sitting on top of him. He was pinned down. The officer who pulled the gun promised to shoot him if he so much as moved. Think about that, okay?

"If you move, I swear to God...!"

And. He. Did. What you saw, what we all saw, is an officer shooting a man - not even just one time, but really, truly murdering him - for moving.

Alton - scared, confused, overwhelmed - moved... and he was killed for it. Can you say that you would not have moved? Can you say that moving was justification for one shot? Can you say that moving was justification for two shots? Can you say that moving was justification for so many shots at point-blank range into a man's chest?

If that were your spouse, could you still say it? If that were your son, could you? If that were you laying there on the ground, could you say that wriggling was worth your life? Can you say that Alton *really* had a choice? Do you think that he would be alive if he had laid still as a ghost? Does an officer have the right to shoot you to death after you are subdued for wriggling? Do you still really believe that it was justified after all of that?

If so, why? Did they not have other alternatives? Yes. Smack, punch, handcuff, taser, billy club (not that I want to see a man already down get beaten, because I don't)... police officers are trained how to get a person down SO THEY CAN BE BROUGHT IN TO ANSWER TO THE LAW.

See, this is what I think people are forgetting. We get all defensive about how loyal, selfless, and serving police officers are. For good reason - they really are! There are a million great men and women serving on the force. 

However, we forget some of their official title: Law ENFORCEMENT officers. They are not, in themselves, the law. 

When it comes down to a shootout, yes - shoot back! Always, shoot back!

When it comes down to someone coming after you with a gun, shoot! Always shoot!

When it comes down to saving a life - SHOOT! Yes, shoot!

But when it comes down to someone you are sitting on top of, whose arms are not free... use other methods! Draw on your police training, and for the love of humanity, save a life! Because here is the thing, we trust them to serve and protect. We trust them to draw on their training to get everyone safely to the station. We trust them to fight past their adrenaline and find a way to assess the situation they are in. 

RACISM IS NOT REAL! HE DESERVED IT! THE MEDIA ARE MAKING ALL OF THIS UP AND ANYONE WHO AGREES IS EITHER RACE-BAITING OR FALLING DIRECTLY FOR THE BAIT!!!

Okay, so you still don't believe there is a problem. Your anger is boiling over reading my words and how wrong, wrong, wrong I am in my thinking. You are okay sleeping at night knowing that men are being murdered for things like wiggling under a police officer. Fine. Let's look at another case that brought agony to so many this week, shall we?

Philando Castile... This was a man you cannot line up the usual 'he deserved it' diatribe against. Not only that, but this was the kind of man who should be the hero of a lot of my friends. He was a great dad, a great guy, a philanthropist to the children he worked around, and a certified concealed carrier. He was down the line everything you swear to defend, the very definition of an innocent. Philando was gunned down in his own car in front of his girlfriend, and worse - his beautiful baby girl. Why? Because he had 'flared nostrils' and he and his wife might have resembled someone from a robbery based on those 'flared nostrils'. (I am not kidding. Look it up. It should make you sick.)

Now, you who are reading this and are so righteously angry, you tell me exactly how little racism remains in the world. You tell me how police shootings are not a sign of epidemic police brutality taken to the ultimate conclusion. You tell me how well your father, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, parent who is a good person in uniform is represented by someone who actually DOES commit murder while wearing the uniform?

But the thing is, you can't and you won't! What you will do is tell me this: 

ONE BAD COP DOES NOT MEAN ALL COPS ARE BAD!!

And you would be exactly right. I would stand up and applaud. I would agree 100% to this. This is an undeniable fact. One bad cop does not represent all cops. 

Now, take a breath and remember to extend the same courtesy to your fellow man. Not every black man who is gunned down by a police officer deserved it. Not every white man, hispanic man, asian man... not every person who is killed by a police officer deserves it. 

So, why is it important to remember that black lives matter? Why is this one group, from the perspective of too many, getting 'special attention' for crying out against the death of fathers, sons, uncles? Why is the media perpetuating this 'race war' "against" white people? 

Because it did not start here. This whole mess started years ago with slavery. It was ugly and obvious with segregation after freeing the slaves. It continued with backlash against desegregation and relegating people to poverty-stricken ghettos. It continued, in the shutting down of pools and parks so that desegregation wouldn't allow children to play together. It continues still, more subtly as time went on, in the form of 'white' people being upset at things such as black pride etc. 

When I first learned about white privilege, I had a load of white guilt. I'm not even kidding. Then I learned about white guilt and got offended. I mean, for crying out loud, I'm not even white! Nobody is! Nobody is "purely" anything! Our dna has been mixing for thousands of years! Oh, I was SO sick and tired of 'whites' being blamed for all of this 'black' misery. I didn't get it, and I said so... quietly... in the company of my family... maybe once at a half-whisper. *sigh*

The thing is, no... we were not there to create slavery. (Again, I can hear the racist mental whisperings about black-on-black slavery... again, I say you are missing the point.) No, we were not there to protest desegregation. Maybe our ancestors weren't even here/there for any of that. (Mine weren't.) But the other thing is this... we are here NOW.

We are in the present, living a life that can affect or stall change. We are raising the next generation who will either affect or hinder change. Apathy... by any person of any race... is exactly the problem. You may not have a full-on streak of racism, but you could be part of a greater, more subtle racism. You may only get annoyed or upset that black people are 'whining' about these dead men and boys who 'deserved' what they got. You may only get tired of race-baiters like myself who care a load too much to see straight. But it is there, and it is halting progress. 

The murders that happened this week were sickening. Philando and Alton, the police officers in Dallas, and the killings of other innocents were unacceptable. Surely on this much we can agree. Not every black man who is killed by a police officer deserved it. We can agree on that, as well. Police brutality - against any race at any time in any location - is dead wrong. We agree. It *does* exist. 

Acknowledging these things is not race-baiting. Acknowledging them is not falling into the trap of the government to continue to oppress us. It only becomes that if we continue to be divided. The important questions are still left to us, and we MUST answer them. We must answer them, or lose ourselves in the fighting. 

What can be done?

What can I personally do?

What is my responsibility toward my fellow man?

How can I live up to that responsibility?

How can I show good to them who do good?

How can we bring down those who are found to be unjust?

How can we embrace, support, and comfort the families of the deceased? 

I don't just mean the families of fallen police officers. God knows, they will need the love and support of their communities. They need my love and support, and they have it. Their nation grieves along with them. We are angry, and we want justice for the cowards who set out to kill them.

I also mean the families of the men who 'deserved' it. Because, see, when the wife or mother of a fallen man cries into the camera that her husband/son did not deserve to die... she is right. With no rap sheet at all - like Philando - or with a record - like Alton - the woman is speaking the truth. This man was somebody's father. This man was somebody's lover. This man was somebody's child. This man was a sentient, living, human being, and his life mattered.